Wear this pain like a heavy coat

It never ends. I am typing this on my phone so if there are blatant typos, I apologize. I just can not be bothered opening my laptop again to type this up.

It’s 0230 and you know what that means—> I am in pain. YAY!! My back is the cause this time. My ankle hurts but not as bad.

I was reading over my last post I sent to my therapist. It was stupid. I talk about being in pain and then I talk about euthanasia. But not for humans, for animals because it is more “humane”, whatever that means.

I am in the frame of mind that if I lived alone, I most likely would try to end my life right now. But I live with my mother and I don’t want her finding my body. I have one option, to die in my car but the weather is going to be in the 90s the next few days. I might stroke out before I actually die by suffocating.

I know I won’t feel this way in the morning. I might even forget I wrote this. I just am in a lot of fricken pain and there is no one I can talk to about it at this hour. So I am blogging about it. Writing is my one option that is left to me. And no one can take it away from me, not unless they break my hands.

Speaking of breaking bones, you know little people use that method so they can grow taller? It is a painful process as soon as they start healing the bones have to be broken again. and it can only be done at a certain age. It puts my pain in perspective but then I think, do these little people have the same struggles with pain meds as the rest of us with chronic pain?? One of the little people actually got high and then decided he was not going to take them anymore. I have never gotten high on my pain meds. I often wonder what it is like but I don’t experiment to find out. I really don’t want to know because who is to say that I won’t act on my suicidal feelings while high. When I first got a contact high off marijuana, it really made me suicidal. My friend had to take me home because he thought I would end my life by jumping in front of the train. I never touched THC ever again.

And I wasn’t in any type of physical pain then. I know pain is driving me insane. I have been in pain every day for the past week or so. It wears on you like a heavy coat in July. And no matter how hard you try to take it off, it just gets heavier and heavier.