Wicked pain

So the case manager that I am working with asked if I take a shower every day. I told her sort of. She said it was a yes or no question, so I said no. She then told me to take one so I can feel better and all I kept thinking about is how many spoons I will lose doing so. I bit the bullet after I talked with my contact person and now I am paying for it. My ankle swelled up and I am in mega pain. I wish I could take two of my pain pills but the order is just for one tab three times a day. I am so frustrated. I know it is going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, my sister read yesterday’s blog. So now she knows I am suicidal. Fuck. Now I just want to go home and fuck the bureaucracy. I am tired of being here anyways. They are not going to help me with my issues. This is just turning into a babysitting visit.  And I am too old to be babysat.

I did write my therapist a long letter about today. I also asked her to call me tomorrow to see what to do about what happens when she is on vacation and I am left to fend for myself, so to speak. My pdoc won’t be back until the 3rd week in Aug.

I have been honest with my treaters since being here. I really thought this hospitalization was going to be different, that I really was going to be helped. But instead, I am just being let down once again.