Saturday Blog 17062023

Saturday Blog 17062023

I took a shower last night and it flared up my CRPS foot. I was in agony throughout the ballgame. I couldn’t sleep after the game. I tried and pain kept me up or my thoughts did. I eventually fell asleep after 0100. I briefly was up around 12 to take my meds and then I went back to sleep. I only got up around 1630 to have some coffee. I am not hungry. I feel really tired. It’s raining out and tonight’s game has been postponed for tomorrow.

A friend texted me today saying they have nerve pain and is seeking treatment for it. They don’t know how I live with it day in and day out. It is not an easy thing to live with. Since top surgery, I have had these kind of pain in my chest. Some days are better than others. I find that the more I try and stretch out the scar tissue, the worse pain I am in. But the scar tissue is limiting my movement so I need to try and work it out. I am shirtless in my room. It has been so hot in my room that I just don’t want to wear a shirt. Trouble is, it sets off the dysmorphia. I know I need to talk about it with my therapist. It is just I forget most of the time because the grief is more pressing.

I feel so vulnerable right now. I feel like I could OD on something just so I could die in a few days time. I got denied financial aid at UMB. In order to be reconsidered, I have to write a personal statement and submit supporting documents. I  think I am just going to withdraw. There is no way I can come up with four grand a semester for two classes on my income. I can maybe afford one class. So my dream of getting my degree is probably not going to happen. All because I am 4% points off their scale. Sucks.

I am tempted to tell my therapist this fleeting idea of OD’g. I don’t think she will like it and may try and curtail me. I know I could just end up back in the hospital. I don’t know what I want to do. I feel awful. I am depressed. I am sad. Nothing gives me joy or pleasure. I am in pain most of the time. Not even taking my T shot gives me pleasure it once did. I think I have reached a plateau with my transition. I don’t want bottom surgery because I like my clit too much. Beside there is no guarantee that having phalloplasty will give me pleasure. It isn’t like I will cum like a man will. It won’t feel the same. So I will stay as I am.

I got this emptiness inside me that has taken over me. Most of the time there are black clouds that follow me around. I feel so sad. I don’t think I will ever be happy or content. Just always miserable.