Up in the middle of the night
Midnight demon has returned. I have been writing in the middle of the night again. I wrote a few pages in my memoir and am up to just over 9,000 words. I am happy about this. I want this to be at least 200 page book and I am only up to 62 so I have a ways to go.
I have been reading What’s the T? and it is all interesting. I really am enjoying the book. The author said that she found her husband on Tinder so I am going to have a look at it one day. I haven’t had much luck trying to find someone. I have an idea of who I want but not sure she is out there.
I am glad I found my writing “time” again. I was really struggling during the afternoon/evening hours. Now if only I can think straight and can answer the question how did you survive until now? It is such a deep question. I have to think about how I want to answer it.
The second question is what have you done to manage your problems in the past? I have mostly done distraction and listening to music. I have also spent time writing introspectively about what it is that is bothering me. I haven’t been able to do this in a long time because of the whatever trauma I put myself through when I overdosed. I still have some memory problems and some cognitive deficits.
The house is quiet. Everyone is at work. I did the dishes and emptied the dishwasher. I had two cups of coffee. I miss my mother. The house just feels like something is missing. It’s not the same without her. I feel so sad. I keep thinking I need the hospital but I am not sure what the hospital will do for me other than keep me safe from myself. Deep in grief today. Hurting. Paralyzed to do something. Just feel so depressed and don’t know what to do about it or who to talk to. Do I go to the hospital or sit in the ED for hours? Do I just sit with it? Let it pass?
My therapist is on vacation. I just sent a message to one of the grief therapists in the group. She encouraged me to go to the ED for an eval. I will go tomorrow. I will bring a bag with me so in case I get hospitalized I don’t have to worry about clothes and such.
midnightdemons7 