just wasn’t the one

Just wasn’t the one

I had a very rough night with bad dreams and headaches. I woke up much later than planned, even though I went to bed at a reasonable time, though it was a little later. The Sox won and it was hard for me to go to bed right away. I woke up feeling like shit. I had to shower and go to the grocery store. I had two cups of coffee with some toast. The headache sort of went away but was still there. I dreaded showering and going out. I finally went and took a shower, shaving my armpits. I didn’t do the face as I just wasn’t in the mood to lather shaving cream on and do a proper shave. I took a shower and was so exhausted afterwards. I had to lay on my bed undressed for a while. I pondered about going to the grocery store. I even took out the cab vouchers but I just couldn’t get myself to call a cab. I just wanted to stay home, in bed. I ended up cooking some chicken I took out last night. I thought maybe some food will give me energy to go out. Nope. I went back to my room.

I had just logged on my laptop when my sister knocked. She wanted to know why I didn’t do the dishes in the sink or fold the towels that I washed two days ago. I told her I didn’t feel good but that wasn’t a good enough excuse for her. She is such a bitch. The dishes in the sink aren’t even mine, they are either hers or her kids. I am so sick of being the one stuck with keeping the kitchen today just BECAUSE I AM HOME. My sister just doesn’t get it. I have been dealing with depression since the other night. I wish I were dead. I would probably be back in the hospital if I went to the ED for it. I have no active plans to harm myself but it wouldn’t take much to come up with one. I am tired of defending my disability to her. I have fallen on deaf ears.

I just want to fucking cry. I can’t go to bed early because I will be up in the middle of the night. If I go to bed after 10pm I am more likely to have bad dreams and wake up with headaches. I just don’t know anymore. The headaches weren’t severe so I didn’t take anything for them. I’ve had a low level headache all day. It’s like a ring around my head hurts. I feel like I am wearing one of my baseball caps but I am not. My side is cramping so I took some Ativan and Robaxin. Sox are playing the Tigers. I haven’t decided if I am going to listen to the game. Sale is back today and is on the mound tonight. I might listen to a couple of innings. I need a distraction as my mood is in the tank.

I posted on one of the FTM support groups about my waist becoming smaller but still having a fat belly. I haven’t lost any weight. I think the fat is just being redistributed because of the testosterone. I have no idea how to get rid of the belly fat. I have been watching what I eat but some days I just get tempted to eat something fatty and sugary. There is a dessert I want to make for Sunday. I might just make a chocolate pie instead of the Oreo dessert. I don’t think I can afford all the ingredients. I have no idea how much the pasta is going to be and if I can’t find big bags, I will have to buy at least 4 smaller ones. I am just stressed out about it. I still need to buy more half and half too for coffee.

I see these memes for chronic pain and I just want to share them with my PCP or sister. I just found one that has barbed wired on both legs with the don’t tell someone with chronic pain to exercise. Because this is what it feels like. I feel it because sometimes it does feel that way or feels like cement is tied to the legs. So damn hard just walking to the bus stop some days.