blank space

Blank Space

Yesterday I had therapy. It didn’t go well at all. She told me she was in supervision as she didn’t know what to do with me. She doesn’t know how to help me as the suggestions she has made, I have refused. The suggestions were to go to partial hospital and join a support group. I have joined a few support groups. I don’t think partial will help me so I haven’t gone. I was getting upset and she knew it. I told her how intertwined the suicidality and being trans is and she still did not get it. I told her I wanted someone to hear my pain and she went off. I was in my own world by this point and just ended the conversation. I don’t think I will be going back to her. All I can think about is the song Blank Space. She looked like my next mistake and she didn’t want to play. I have a blank space baby, I’ll write your name.

She felt that I wasn’t going anywhere in therapy and because of this she felt ethically obligated to tell me this. I knew then that she and I weren’t going to last. I told her yesterday how I avoided a meltdown when I started feeling super depressed and she didn’t give me any kind of praise whatsoever. I am going to swing not going to therapy for a while. It is the holiday season and people will be taking vacations and such. It will be hard to see a new therapist. I am not sure I want to anyways.

I feel defeated that I have lost yet another therapist.

I have done nothing the past two days. I need to get my meds and just can’t get going. I will try tomorrow. I didn’t sleep too good last night. I woke up around midnight and didn’t fall back to sleep until 530. I woke up tired and didn’t feel like doing anything. I ordered some food because I didn’t feel like cooking. I got the stuff I ordered from Amazon. Some of it is going to my transgender program. I will bring it with me when I go next month.