went out, finally

Went out finally

I woke up and didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to sleep all day. But I had to get my meds. I had a cup of coffee and some biscuits. I brushed my teeth before going back to my room. I was feeling like crap yesterday so never did it. I am growing my beard out but I might shave my head. I made an appointment with the barber for Friday. I have a birthday party to go to Sat and I don’t want my hair to be messy like it is right now.

I got dressed and then went to the bus stop. It was cold but I didn’t feel like wearing a jacket so I just grabbed another lighter jacket and wore my hoodie. I was warm. I got to the bus stop and thankfully there was a place to sit. I waited for the bus as I listened to Taylor’s 1989 TV. I saw on Instagram she release You’re Losing Me on streaming. I love this song. It gives me the feels every time I hear it. She is releasing her movie on her birthday in a few weeks.

I went to the ATM when I got to the Square. I wanted to buy a drink and was debating on getting a birthday card for my uncle. I got the drink and went to get my meds. I didn’t like the selection of cards so I figured I would go to the other store on the way home. I waited for the bus home. I was starting to feel tight in my chest. I was coughing and but didn’t bring my inhaler. I waited it out. It got worse on the way home. I got a card at the store and then went home. I was breathing ok but was coughing up stuff. I made something to eat and then used my inhaler. I feel better now. I got a headache.

I sent my psychiatrist a message about therapy. I don’t want to be in therapy anymore. I don’t know what the point of it is anymore. I’m not sure what my goals are, if any. Apparently talking about my suicidality and trauma isn’t enough like I thought it was. Maybe things have changed and therapists don’t do long term therapy anymore. I have had it going from therapist to therapist, not really getting the help that I feel I need. I thought seeing a CBT/DBT therapist was what I needed. The literature said this and I have been disappointed yet again. I don’t know anymore. Maybe it is me and I am really hopeless and no one has the fucking balls to tell me.