Month: November 2023

Saturday Blog 04112023

Today marks the 7^th month my mother has been dead. It is also my 7^th month of being post op for top surgery. I am feeling really sad today. I had to leave the house to get my meds. I honestly didn’t want to leave the house but I forced myself to. I had therapy on Thursday and I told her I would look over the cognitive dissonance papers that I got from the hospital last year. I know where the papers are, but I still haven’t retrieved them. I went to Starbucks to hopefully read a chapter but I just read a little bit. In the Chapter was Shneidman’s cubic model of suicide. I sent it to my therapist. I think it would be important to use such a simple scale around my suicidality. I am not really actively suicidal but the thoughts have been crossing my mind. I don’t stay there long like I used to.

I have been down most of the day and it is really hard trying to write what I feel. I took out the papers on cognitive dissonance. I will go through them tonight. I am having a hard time collecting my thoughts because I sort of feel suicidal and I don’t know if I should text my therapist or not. I am safe so I am thinking not. I just feel overwhelmed and don’t want to be anymore. I haven’t been able to read my book. I tried to read more than a few pages today but I just couldn’t sit there and do it. I just felt so damn low.

It’s been a while since I felt this low. Usually I just feel sad and it goes away. But being depressed is different. It doesn’t go away on its own usually. I haven’t showered and I smell. My sister said that she is going to take the hamper away from the bathroom. I don’t like this at all. I will still keep my dirty clothes there. I am not going to take them up to my room. They will never get washed. Makes me angry she wants to change things around.

My foot is hurting again. It has been off and on throughout the day. I don’t remember the last time I showered so I probably should tomorrow after I shave my head again. I managed to brush my teeth. Little things.

Cold November Rain

I have been up since 0400. I tried going back to sleep around 7ish after I took my morning meds but I never slept. I gave up around 10 and got out of bed to make something to eat and have coffee. I then spent the next couple of hours on the phone doing phone calls that needed to be done. I sent a message to my pcp about how crappy I have been feeling and to question a lab value from yesterday. They said to hydrate and if I am not feeling better by Friday, I could be seen then. I am to drink around three liters of fluid. I have been having a hard time drinking just plain water. I want to drink coffee but I don’t think that will help me.

It has been cold in my room all day. My feet are freezing and I have been contemplating putting on a long sleeve shirt. It is also cold in the house. We haven’t turned on the heat just yet. I don’t mind the cold but my back and CRPS foot does. My back has been sore today for whatever reason, most likely due to the temps going from 80 to 40 within 48 hours. The pain in my foot was really bad. I had to take pain meds to ease it and gabapentin. Surprisingly, within an hour, pain levels went down.