Month: November 2023

I had therapy today. I wasn’t sure how I was going to wake up for it but I slept through most of the night ok. I did wake up a few times with headaches but was able to get back asleep.

Things were going great in therapy until she brought up my suicidality. I tried telling her how much it was tied to me being trans and I don’t think she was getting me. It was like she thought my suicidality was separate. Anyways I told her stuff she wanted to hear. I also told her I am trying to be more mindful when I start spiraling down. Sometimes I am able to catch myself and other times it isn’t as easy. I was getting a headache half way through. It was a dull headache. I needed coffee. I only had one cup before therapy.

I think I am going to post my suicidality thing here. I don’t know what else to do with it. I thought we were done talking about my suicidality in therapy but she still wants me to talk about it. It is hard because I am not in a suicidal mind. I vaguely thought about my plan. No one knows about it. I’d like to keep it that way. I have to learn to like myself more. I’m not sure I can. I still don’t like my body. But I know I can’t starve myself to lose the weight I need to. I care but I don’t. I just got to try and not gain more.

Trans remembrance day and other stuff

Today is Trans remembrance day and I want to remember the life of my fellow blogger Ty Miles. He had a mental health blog and sadly took is life a few years ago, for reasons I am not quite sure I will ever know. He was a dear friend who supported NAMI by going on walks and stuff. Hope he continues to rest in peace.

I found out this morning my friend died. He had been declining in health all year and sadly I think he passed alone in a nursing home. I got the call before 7 am so not sure when he passed. He will be missed by all who knew and loved him.

I didn’t sleep all night. I had fallen asleep before 8pm last night and then woke up a little after 1am. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t and then pain erupted in my ankle. That took some doing to get it to calm down. I managed a few hours sleep and woke up with a severe headache again made worse by the brightness of the day when I opened my bedroom door. I keep my window blocked from light so I really have no idea if the sun is out or not. I wish there could be a dimmer switch sometimes. I went and took some coffee from my sister. I had a cup and then I brushed my teeth and shaved. It felt good to shave. The bad part was that my back decided I was to be a crooked man today as straightening out was difficult. I just felt stiff. It was a challenge to shave the back of my head.

I checked the bus schedule when I got to my room. I wanted to leave before I got tired again from lack of sleep. I hadn’t eaten anything and by the time I got home, I was feeling a little dizzy. I picked up my meds and one of the pharmacies was a long line. I stood and my back wanted to divorce me. I had to sit when I saw the bench as my hamstrings were killing me. I made something to eat when I got home. It was cold today so the oven took forever to preheat. I had just left the house with a hoodie and was comfortable. My room’s temp had dropped so I had to put on a long sleeve shirt. My bad tooth got irritated by the hot food. I think I now know which tooth needs the root canal.

I am not doing anything else today. I might read for a bit. I might nap too. I don’t have to leave the house again till Turkey day. I have therapy tomorrow and I hope these headaches and post headache crap is done by then. I am really grumpy, mostly because I don’t feel good. My niece and nephew are home. My nephew keeps swearing out loud at his game, then will race downstairs to have a cigarette. I hate that he smokes but it’s his life.