Month: November 2023

Feeling sick and depressed

I had a difficult night sleeping. The usual of weird dreams and headaches. I woke up a little before my med alarm. I got up when it went off. I took my meds and then went downstairs to use the bathroom and make a cup of coffee. I was running low on half and half and I wasn’t sure how many cups I could make. I made one and drank it in the kitchen. I am out of my Belvita cookies. I wasn’t in the mood to make something so I just had the coffee. I then went up to my room. I booted up my laptop and decided I needed another cup of coffee for therapy. I still had time before my appointment. I brought the cup up with me. I drank it as I waited for my therapist to log on.

The first thing we talked about was how pissed I was at her. She clarified that the break was outside of therapy, not in therapy, which made me feel a little better. We spent most of the session talking about things I could do that were not suicide related stuff. It is hard because I have worked with suicide research for so long. I really don’t mind it and it doesn’t overwhelm me.

I was feeling ok enough to venture out to the grocery store. I knew it was going to tire me out though but I had money for a cab if I felt like I couldn’t make it back to the bus stop when I was done. Walking there after I got off the bus stop was hard. I felt my chest getting tight and by the time I reached the store I was wheezing again. I felt short of breath. I quickly got the items I needed. I wanted a big thing of peanut butter but it was too expensive. I’ll get it when I place my monthly grocery order. I just got a small jar that was nearly a quarter of the big jar and cost like half. It is ridiculous how they have these prices for things. I sat outside after I paid and called for a cab. I was congested and wheezy but not too bad. I made it up the stairs and I started coughing from the congestion. I put the pizza in the oven and waited. I got hungry. I started eating chips and then decided to make a sandwich. The pizza was ready but it was too hot to eat. I finished the sandwich and then had a few slices of pizza before I felt full.

I felt tired so went up to my room. I tried to nap and I snoozed for a bit until my sister called and the ringtone scared the shit out of me. It was so fucking loud. I had a headache and I didn’t want to move or get up. I don’t feel too well. I am still tired and headachy. I keep on sneezing and my nose is congested. I think I might have a cold or the beginning of one. I have no fever but I don’t know if this is allergies because my eyes keep tearing as well. I just feel run down. I know part of it is because I am not sleeping well. I am not really napping during the day but I tend to go to bed early if I don’t lie down. Last night I tried to stay up as long as I could so I wouldn’t be up at 0100 and I still woke up at that fucking hour. I know I read for a bit but I don’t remember what I read. I just did a covid test and I am negative. I will retest if I feel poorly in a day or two.

I have so much to do tomorrow. The water meter guy is supposed to come to change out the meter. I have to let him in. I have my T shot. I need to pick up the new migraine med. Then I am to help my sister make dinner for my sister. It is my middle sister’s birthday tomorrow. I also have a webinar to go to. A busy day and I hope I get some decent sleep without headaches throughout the night.

A cuppa and vegetables

I had a stinky night sleeping, or lack there of. I woke up around 1 and then again at 3 with a splitting headache. I was up before my med alarm and I contemplated sending a message to my therapist to cancel. She beat me to it. She had to cancel for today. I will see her tomorrow at the same time.

I got up and made a cold cut sandwich with my first cup of coffee. Then I had a second cup and wanted to go to the grocery store to pick up some half and half and maybe a frozen pizza but I wasn’t sure I could walk that far again. I thought about possibly taking a cab home once I got there. I might do this tomorrow. I went back to my room but then had to go to the bathroom so I went back downstairs. I then decided to make the zucchini. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of iced tea. After I ate, I cut up the zucchini and then put in a pan to roast for an hour. I stayed in the kitchen and I wanted a cup of tea so I made it. I have been eating since I got up. I had half the zucchini when it was done. It was so good. I will have the second bowl when I go back down when I have to use the bathroom again.

I brought the tea up to my room and am listening to Speak Now TV. My 1989TV hasn’t come yet. I have been emailing them but they just said it could be on its way. I think it is lost and they don’t want to send me what I bought. I have been nice but now it has been three fucking weeks since I paid and I don’t have it so I am pissed. I am going to wait till Wed and then send a nasty email that if they don’t resend it, I want a refund.

My sister’s birthday is this week. I talked with my baby sister and we are going to make dinner for her. I am in charge of potatoes. The water meter guy is supposed to come that day to change the meter. I have to wake up early for it. I hope they come when they say and not later.

I just got a text from my pharmacy. They will be asking my neuro for an alternative med for my new migraine med as they can’t fill it. I called another pharmacy and they don’t have the med in stock either. I sent my neuro a message asking what to do. Looks like I will continue to be getting headaches the longer this goes on.

I haven’t brushed my teeth yet and I need to shave. My sister said that it looks like I have a bowl on my head so I am going to try and trim the sides a bit. If I fuck up, I will wait a week and see my barber. The sides are a bit too low for me anyways. I like it high and tight. My hair grows so damn fast.

Sunday blog 12112023

I’ve had a boring day. I did some stuff. I showered and shaved. My back didn’t like me standing for some reason. It was fine until I was in the bathroom and it cramped up on me. I had to sit after I brushed my teeth and again after I shaved. I had to sit a few times in the shower. I let the hot water on my back but it didn’t do much. I was not happy.

I had one cup of coffee when I got up. I had a crappy sleep, again. I had this dream I was at work and every time I wanted to go to lunch something came up. It was annoying. I of course woke up with a damn headache. My new migraine med isn’t going to be ready until Tues, I hope. I did my meds for the week. The pharmacy texted me asking if I wanted one of my blood pressure meds refilled and I don’t need it so I didn’t. I have enough for a few weeks. I am starting the increased dose of my antidepressant tonight. I hope it doesn’t cause me to be jittery.

I am making a pot pie for supper. It should be ready in an hour or so. I have to make zucchini tomorrow or it will go bad. I meant to make it today but I just remembered about it. I plan on roasting it. I don’t have the patience to do the breadcrumb and egg. I haven’t made a single zucchini bread with all the zucchini my sister pulled from her garden. I have no idea what my sister did with my recipes. I have to ask her.

I have therapy tomorrow. I don’t know if I am going to be a bitch and cancel on her or not. She really upset me at the last session. We have been talking about my suicidality for the past week, after she invited me to open up and trust her and then she hits me with a I need a break from it. Sorry, it has been a part of my life for fucking 40 years, I can’t break from it. I mean, I do read things that aren’t always about it. I told her what I was reading, the Education of Henry Adams, and she made fun of me. I always seem to be in the wrong with her. Then when I get pissed off, I am angry all the time. UGH. I usually shut down and don’t speak.