Rain was pouring down I can hardly breathe
Grief is hitting me hard today. Nothing in particular set it off. I just miss my mother. It’s been eight months. So fucking hard. I got up late today as I woke up early. I didn’t want to go back to bed but I did. It was a good sleep. I wish it kept the grief away.
I have been thinking about how I have been suicidal since I was eight. I know part of me is suicidal because of not being a boy and having to suppress it for so long. I talked about this in therapy today. It was a difficult session. She wanted me to talk about my strengths but I don’t know what they are. I told her I don’t want to be alive. Last night was hard for me. I didn’t tell her I was in crisis or anything. I just don’t want to be here.
After therapy, I made lunch. I was hungry. I made a pizza. It always makes me happy. I had a coffee while it was cooking. I just had two cups today. I finally changed my bedding last night but I seemed to have misplaced my T bag. I don’t know where I put it. I might have to just get a syringe and things out just for this dose this week. I also have my migraine med this week. Tomorrow I have to go pick up my Effexor. I ran out. I meant to fill it last week and forgot.
I will be seeing my cousin on Friday. I will head south of Boston. It should be fun. I can’t wait.
midnightdemons7 