College is becoming more real
I took the chance that I will be able to afford my textbooks and bought them on Amazon. I have the 4th edition of my psych book as I couldn’t find the 3rd edition. Hopefully there isn’t a huge difference between the editions. I also checked my email and my NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED!! Finally! No more deadname!!! I am so happy about this as every time I saw my deadname I became dysphoric and if a new professor called me my deadname in a future email I would be crushed.
The past several hours I have been thinking about my mother. It is a really odd feeling when you are expecting a phone call from her and knowing you are not going to get it. I haven’t listened to her birthday message from last year. I just can’t take hearing her voice right now. I still remember one of the last few voicemails she left on my phone asking me to call if I was home or not. She was so hard of hearing that she never really heard me leave the house. I was too quiet for her to hear me.
I see my pcp tomorrow for a follow up for things. I will be going into Boston and I am still trying to navigate getting there. I don’t know if I should take a cab or walk from the station. It is supposed to rain tomorrow so depending on how hard it is coming down (if at all), I will make a decision. I wanted to go out today, just a walk around the block but I chickened out. I went downstairs to get some ham for lunch. My sister was on a work call so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her.
In my facebook memories today was a pic of me and my childhood friend. It was taken before T so I did a transition comparison. In the old pic, I had some goatee hairs. It just affirmed to me that I was a guy even before I realized I was. I know my hormones were higher than a normal female but when the changes with T started happening, it just felt more natural. I sometimes wish I came out sooner but I know that my parents wouldn’t have accepted me. I probably would have attempted more than once if I tried and got rejected.
Last night I was having a dream I was having chest pain and called an ambulance. I woke up with tightness in my chest. I just curl up in bed and it just hurts my chest muscles when I wake up and stretch out. It took forever for the feeling to go away. I wasn’t really taught any exercises to open up the chest area. I was pretty much on my own to do so. No PT was offered. I wish there was. I might ask my pcp tomorrow if I remember.
midnightdemons7 