The Loss of a Legend

The Loss of a Legend

I was first introduced to David Bowie when I was a young kiddo. I think it was the movie Labyrinth. He scared me in this movie so I never much cared for the guy. It wasn’t until I was older and heard his music did I really start to like him. Even now I can’t get the song “dancing with myself” out of my head. It is one of my favorites of his. I am saddened by his loss. I plan on getting the Labyrinth to watch as an adult so I am not so scared. I am not one for scary movies and I know this movie is not scary but sometimes things leave an impression on you.

I have my MRI today. I am really nervous and still trying to keep hydrated so I hope they can find a suitable vein for the contrast dye. They need this to distinguish between old and new injury as I had surgery on my back. My pain has been off and on so I am hoping that it’s not something serious. I had a few days of no pain and I was thankful for it, even though my ankle was a bitch. I have to have some kind of pain every day. It’s just the way it is these days.

I am listening to Adele. I don’t know why. Her latest CD is nothing to write home about. There are a few songs I like but don’t ask me to tell you the names. I really just know it by the beats. I feel like I am betraying Eric Church by listening to something else. I might go back to his music sometime today. I plan on leaving my house around 1515 to catch the bus to the Square. I will have something to eat and then leave to go to the hospital to have the MRI. It’s really cold today as the windchill is bringing the temp down by at least 10 degrees. The house is cold and I have had to put socks on my feet to keep them warm. They were starting to feel frostbitten. Stupid nerve damage. Soon as my feet get a chill, they become really cold and fast.

I really want to talk to my therapist today but I don’t think I will be able to. I have been texting her but that isn’t the same thing. She doesn’t know about the voices telling me to do things. I have kept that from her because she always gets nervous when I become psychotic. I think the anxiety about me being psychotic is worse than when I am suicidal. I was having a conversation with the voices last night. It wasn’t bad but they were annoyed so I was annoyed. I wasn’t giving in to their demands so it frustrated them. I am surprised that I am handling this so well and that I am not really freaked out. These voices aren’t my regular voices. I haven’t taken anything extra to deal with them. I probably should but I know they will go away once I have the MRI and I know the outcome of it. My stress level is dependent on the voices. Some people have anxiety, I hear voices. They keep wanting me to take more drugs than I should be taking. So I just haven’t been taking anything because I don’t know if I can trust my impulses. If I plan on taking one pill, they want me to take three. It’s the nature of the beast. Least they aren’t telling me to take a bottle of pills anymore. I was a afraid to take anything for fear of emptying the bottle in my stomach. I think that is why I didn’t fill my pill box for that week. I was too afraid to take any pills.

Despite having coffee and a light breakfast, I am wicked tired. I wish I could take a nap but I know if I do, I will feel like shit later in the day. I would read something but I am afraid that it will make me even more drowsy. I have nothing to do until 1500. I tried writing in my journal but there is only so much to write when you feel sleepy and want to crawl back under the covers.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The Loss of a Legend

  1. mm172001 says:

    Gold luck on your MRI

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    voices suck. we’d had them lately too. our little taylor has them a lot. so do others in our system. they tell us mean things about ourselves. they also tell us to hurt ourselves too sometimes. XX

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