sore and depressed

Sore and depressed

My back is aching me today from the other day’s walking. I went to the grocery store and got a few items. I bought some hot chicken wings for lunch. They were good. I also got some roast beef as I haven’t had it in a while. I had one cup of coffee today. I don’t feel like having another cup. I bought Keurig hot cocoa so I will have that later. I think I am going to make a pasta dish for supper.

I washed my jacket as it needed to be. I had a lot of crap in my pockets. I read the instructions for Cologuard while it was washing. It was pretty straightforward on how to do it. I had a BM today and collected it and then did what needed to be done. I then called to have it picked up tomorrow. I notified my family so it wouldn’t be taken back in the house.

I feel so depressed and my thoughts have gone from being ok to not wanting to be alive. I haven’t thought of a plan or anything. I was writing my ending for my book and I am short. I need to write more and frankly I don’t know what the hell to write. Then I read Ohio is pushing to deny gender affirming care not only to minors but adults as well. Fuck. I really want to know who the hell these people think they are to intrude in the healthcare of others. Makes me so mad and sad.

I got up wicked late today. I really didn’t mean to. I just fell asleep and felt like I died until I moved and was hit with all kinds of pain. I had a good sleep, even if it was pretty broken. I managed to brush my teeth and shave my head. It felt good to be bald again. It is kind of cold in my room as it is windy out. There is talk of snow in the forecast but I don’t think we’ll get much as it’s not that cold. I have no plans on leaving the house though I might go for a walk. I need to get used to walking around the block if I am to make it in college. There was a lot of walking just to get to where I needed to be.

I am listening to my 90s country radio on Pandora. I am taking a break from Taylor. I will probably listen to her later tonight. I was listening to Mary Chapin the other night. I had to listen to something calming as it was taking me forever to calm down. I was so overtired. I plan on reading a chapter of the textbook I started last week. I want to try and get ahead of the reading as I know I don’t always have the concentration for it. Brain fog interferes with so many things and reading is one of them. My psychiatrist changed the appointment time for Tues. It’s still in the morning. Mon I see my therapist.

I am feeling so fricken low. I want to read my book but at the same time, I want to go back to bed. I doubt I will be able to sleep. I have no idea where my journal is. I haven’t written in it in a long time. I just write this blog every day. I am so tired most days. My bloodwork came back normal. My iron levels have improved so that isn’t why I am tired. I stopped taking the iron pills. I think the Effexor will be ready tomorrow. My psychiatrist finally called in the 75 mg pills. I will pick them up either Sunday or Monday. Most likely Monday as I have enough pills to get me through the weekend.