Month: January 2024

Think I am getting sick

My nose has been running and I have been sneezing most of the day. I hope I am not getting sick. I went to the grocery store today with my sister who is recovering from Covid. It has been the first time I have seen her in over a week.

I got a message from UMB IT department about my name change in one of the systems. They said I had to have the name in one of the other system as this system feeds into it. My name was already changed in that system so obviously, something needs to be done. I am kind of freaking out because my online class starts Friday.

I have been feeling depressed on and off all day. It isn’t grief or sadness. Just a low level mood. I want to sleep but I just can’t. My mind keeps going on and on about things. I woke up like a few times during the night but was able to get back to sleep. I slept until my med alarm woke me up. I didn’t get up right away. I got up when my cousin called to cancel taking me to the grocery store. He wasn’t feeling good. My mood sucks. I don’t feel suicidal. I don’t feel that low. I just am worried that I am going to be ok for classes for the first few weeks and then I will ease off because the depression will get worse. I started reading the second textbook for my online class. Not an easy read as it is about sex work in Paraguay. I probably will start reading a chapter a day. But depression interferes with my concentration. Sometimes I just can’t focus.

I am growing out my hair. I want to take some off the top but am scared to do it myself as I am as close as I would like to be. I want the top to be a little longer so I have some bangs. I stopped shaving a couple of days ago. It should all be grown in by the end of the month. My hair grows fast.

Rough day

I have been up since 5. I did three loads of laundry. The 3^rd load, I forgot to hit start so an hour later when I went downstairs, I thought the wash was done. It wasn’t. ugh. I had three cups of coffee. I was planning on making a fourth cup before therapy but time got away from me. I had woken up with my chest muscles hurting me so fricken bad. I took methocarbamol. I wanted to take at least three doses but I didn’t put the time in my app or even make note of the time. So I just had two doses. Might have a third dose if I am up. I just took my meds so I hope to be sleeping soon.

I honestly need a new therapist but I am too scared to find someone else. I don’t want to expose myself to rejection. Today she said that she basically washed her hands of telling me about coping skills because I have rejected what she said earlier in therapy. She also thinks my dreams and headaches are psychological. I don’t understand how they could be as I can’t control what I dream about. Most of the time, the dreams don’t make sense when I wake up. Like I dreamt I was on the Enterprise with the Picard crew. Another time, I had a conversation with my mother but I don’t remember what we talked about. I have noticed that if I am in the actual dream rather than “watching” what I am dreaming about, I get headaches more often than not. She also wants me to be a self-initiator. I felt like logging off when she said that. She got me so mad.

I am so tired. My pcp got back to me over some concerns I had with urination, stomach ache, and my blood pressure being high the last week or so. She ordered some urine and blood tests. I might go tomorrow after I go grocery shopping. I am going to bring a cath with me in case I can’t go. It has taken a lot of fluid in order to go, some times it is hours after I drink something. I have nearly drank a liter of water and I still don’t have the urge to pee. I also been feeling dizzy but when I take my blood pressure, it is high, not low. I miss drinking my powerades. Sometimes I just need the sugar rush. Drinking plain water sucks.