Since I started therapy with new therapist, I came to a realization that since my mother died, I feel cut off. Like I know I’m still suicidal at times but it’s not like it was before. I cpuld still go through with it but I don’t want to, which is a change in my thinking. I can’t explain it. I’ve gone from years of being suicidal to feeling nothing. Sometimes it feels empty or numb. But most times it’s nothing. I feel sad at times and depressed. My energy is always so low. I have no motivation to do things. I don’t know if this is grief.
I started this Dec 29th. I meant to finish it but forgot. I decided to listen to Lonestar today as I was feeling down and the second song after they played was Rascal Flatts what hurts the most. Fuck it brought up so many feelings and psychache was so deep. I couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes, I felt like killing myself. I thought about the pills and what the fucks. I used a DBT skill. I don’t know the name of it but you sit with the feeling until it passes. By the time Lonestar played again with their 9/11 song I’m already there i was crying. Then my niece’s song by Kenny Chesney came on. Omg the feelings.
I got up and did my meds. Drank some water. I took some stuff off my bed. I checked off the meds from my list. Now I just need to pull myself together to shower. I ordered dinner because fuck today is a hard day. I wasn’t going to order anything today but the hell with it. I don’t feel like cooking. I got a sandwich and soup from Panera. I haven’t ordered from there before but their soups are good. There used to be one I went to when I had a car. It’s kind of expensive but worth it.
A member of my transgender group is in Boston tonight. I might meet up with her if this headache goes away. I just hope Temps don’t go down too much.
midnightdemons7 