after the bar closes

After the bar closes

I don’t know what happened yesterday but I got up after my appointment with the sleep specialist. I had a cup of coffee and my biscuits. Then I went to my room to take my T shot and I wanted to nap. I slept the rest of the day and didn’t get up till today. I woke up at 7 to pee and I took my meds. Then I got up around 10 or 11. I had a cup of coffee. I had therapy.

I had problems with my laptop. It wouldn’t connect to the site. And then everything froze. I had to restart so I joined on my phone. It was an ok session. She wanted me to try grounding techniques but they don’t work for me. She suggested I change rooms or something when I get hypervigilant. We didn’t talk much about my suicidality. I felt like bringing it up but something kept me back. I feel like I shouldn’t disclose it right now. We spent the last few minutes of session going over scheduling as I guess she is having transportation issues. I will see her in person next week and she is anxious to see the Shneidman book. I wanted to tell her about the webinar I went to on Tuesday that had safety planning as one of their goals along with DBT skills. I wish I had my therapist’s email. I would send her stuff.

After therapy, I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to shave or shower. I need to. I thought I would do it tonight but I hung out with my sister and never did. I had a Jack and coke and feel kind of drunk. I’m listening to Fearless, Taylor’s Version. It’s been a while since I heard the album. I have been switching up my music lately. Just listening to stuff that makes me feel good. I have been dealing with dark thoughts during the evening. I just wonder if I should end it. I just read a thing about how transgenders think more of suicide when they can’t get documents. I was going to get my passport but now it is too late. I have to wait four fucking years.

I got word that my financial SAP thing has been approved for 2024 but didn’t say anything about this semester. I looked at my financial aid package and I was awarded some grants to cover tuition this semester so I am glad. Classes start Tues, well Mon. But I don’t have in-person class until Tues. I am tired. I can’t go to bed yet though. It’s too early and then I will wake up in the middle of the night. I have to go to bed around 2200 or so.

So while I was having dinner, I was drinking coffee. I took a sip as I was watching a funny video and ending up spewing coffee all over the place. I choked and snorted. But it was so funny. I just watched another reel and was crying laughing. The scare cams is really funny.