I’m going under

I’m going under

I had shit sleep last night. I slept for three hours and then I was up all night. I managed to go back to sleep around 7 only to sleep until 10. I wanted to shave, shower, and pick up my meds but all I managed was to brush my teeth and shave. I haven’t showered yet. I’ve been putting it off.

My doc got back to me about my gallstones. She wants me to think about preventative surgery. I can’t right now as it take 4-8 weeks for recovery. That’s like half a semester. I can deal with the pain. I just need to rest when it acts up.

I have been in a down mood all day. I just can’t get going. My psychache is kind of elevated. I was reading a book about treating suicidal behavior and they talked about Dr. Shneidman’s theory. They also talked about suicide belief systems which is hopelessness, unlovability, helplessness, and poor distress tolerance. I think as a trauma survivor you can only deal with so much distress before you’re thinking about ending things.

25-Jan

I went out with my family tonight. I almost didn’t go because I had to get my meds and I wasn’t sure I would be able to catch the bus back. But there wasn’t a line at the pharmacy. I was able to catch the bus back home. I was out for at least a half hour. I like when I catch the bus on time.

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I took some Benadryl because I was stuffy and it knocked my ass out. I had a weird dream that I took care of a child that was abducted. I flew to Chicago to rescue him and return him to his mother. Then I had to wait to catch a flight back because it was close to midnight. I don’t remember where I had to go but it wasn’t Boston. It began with an S so maybe Seattle or St. Louis. I didn’t get up till after 12.

My sister sprayed some scent and it’s irritating me. I am congested and got a headache. I had a cup of coffee at my aunt’s after we ate and I am still buzzed from it. Probably from the weed too. My cousin smokes it. I hate the smell of it.