useless and don’t want to exist

Useless and don’t want to exist

I had a difficult night. I woke up around midnight/1am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I read for a bit. Got tired so laid down and still couldn’t seem to doze off. I eventually did but have no idea what time so my sleep record is all fucked up. My alarms went off and I didn’t want to get up. Then I fell back to sleep and when I woke up it was almost 1030 which meant I couldn’t have coffee or shower. I had to leave the house. I got dressed and brushed my teeth. Then caught the bus. I went to Starbucks and then jumped on the train to go to campus.

I made it there with a half hour to spare. I didn’t feel like reading. I played my game on my phone. Class was interesting. We discussed the book and I am further along than I should be. It’s an easy book and I should finish it by Friday. I had some lunch on campus and then went home. It took forever as the train was so fucking slow. It kept stopping for 5 or ten minutes at different stations. I was getting pissed off.

I finally made it to the square. My meds were ready so I went to pick them up. I had a few text exchanges with my sister about this weekend. I got to go to the grocery store tomorrow to pick up some things. My cousin will be taking me as I got some heavy things to buy. I have therapy in the morning. I texted my therapist today that I don’t want to exist. I got no response.

I feel totally useless. I am wicked depressed. I have been on and off suicidal ideation the past few days. I have gone so far as to plan. Only thing stopping me right now is school. Otherwise I think I might attempt again. I just feel so rotten. I stink. I need to shave and shower. I honestly don’t remember the last time I showered. I know it was last week sometime. Problem is I have no energy. I might shower and then shave tomorrow. I don’t think I can do both.