hard day

Hard day

I woke up around 1am and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 6. I read and played games and tried to relax but then I heard someone downstairs and it set me off. I kept thinking about my mother and it was really hard to fall asleep. I had therapy this morning. I managed to get up around 830 and have one cup of coffee. She was about 15 mins late as she had a call to take. I didn’t mind. She hasn’t read Shneidman yet. It’s on her to do list though. I told her I didn’t want to exist. I didn’t tell her I had a plan and would have attempted if I didn’t have school. I don’t feel comfortable disclosing this to her.

I managed to shower last night but according to my bitch sister, I still smell. I have clean clothes on so I don’t get it. I really think the laundry detergent sucks and isn’t cleaning the clothes. We have been switching brands and I don’t like it. It is expensive for the brand that my mother used to buy. I don’t know why detergent has to cost so much like every fucking thing else.

I have pulled some stuff about suicide safety planning for my therapist. I was glad to see Pubmed still up. I don’t know how much longer it will be in this administration. That will be a problem for another day. I am going to try and get my Jobes articles before it closes down. I haven’t disclosed to my therapist that I am a suicidologist. I have so much knowledge about it. But things have been about being trans and how I am feeling about things. Things with my mother and sisters. I have been feeling so damn hopeless, guilty, worthless, despondent at times and in despair. The psychache has been unreal. It was like for two years I didn’t feel a thing and then suddenly it was back. It is so intolerable. I want to get away from it every time I feel it. Sometimes it isn’t so hard but most of the time it comes out of no where and omg, I ache so hard. It’s like this bomb went off inside my chest.

I’m listening to Tis the damn season. I was listening to Maroon. I finally have it on my top 25. I am trying to get this song there. It is such a good song off the evermore album. I was reading my English book. I am almost done with it. I should finish it tonight as there is maybe a chapter left. I enjoyed it. I will start the next book on Sunday. I was supposed to go to Maine with my sisters but I don’t want to be around the sister I live with. I rather her be away so I don’t have to deal with her. I ordered my groceries. The money I was saving for my laptop was used for it. I needed to get food and my drinks. It is so hard saving for money on a fixed income. I also bought coffee that was on sale on Amazon. It’s coming tomorrow morning. I hope my therapist will be receptive to my email about the safety planning and taking my suicidality seriously.