Tired and lost
I woke up for my therapy appointment. I found it to be depressing as we talked about me being trans and how it upset me by not being validated by my family. I still wish I had a chance to talk to the leader of the BAGLY meetings I went to when I was a teen about changing sex. She was the only person I knew that went from male to female. I wanted to go from female to male. I hated myself so much. I am depressed as fuck when I remember all this stuff. It doesn’t go away. You don’t just have top surgery and then suddenly fall in love with yourself after years of loathing.
My therapist read one of the two chapters in Shneidman’s book. She found it helpful. We talked about the things in the book that I can’t remember now. She brought up some points with my mother about her not accepting me. I just felt really down after session. I went back to sleep for a few hours. I just didn’t want to get up. I only got up around 230pm because I had to pee. I had three cups of coffee and something to eat.
I read my boring English book. I had to read like 50 pages to get to part two. It is so dull. I got a headache after finishing the 50 pages. I took my night meds early. I am still tired. I got to be up early tomorrow. Maybe if I am, I can get a breakfast wrap at Starbucks with my latte. I am going to need a lot of espresso tomorrow.
I sent my psychiatrist a message the other day and I still have not received a response. Pisses me off. This is why I hate seeing him every month or so. I don’t see him again till March. I have a few appointments in March, especially during the break.
My RN called me back today to let me know what my doc and the meeting have been discussing. I can have my diagnosis changed. It’s up to me as there is no pressing need to do so right now. It would involve a new PA and all that shit. So I decided to stay with things, for now unless things change. I still haven’t heard about my financial aid from UMB but I got a reminder to pay my bill. Ugh. I don’t have four grand. I told my therapist today that if I had to withdraw, my mental health will be in the toilet. I love being academic and doing research and stuff. It will kill me not to be able to do it. I just got off text with the crisis line. I so wanted to act on my SI’s. I haven’t been close to acting because I am not exactly sure where things are. I would have to look for it and I don’t really want to. I know that if I know where they are, it makes it more likely to act when I feel like acting. Better to not know and just have a general sense of where they are.
It’s cold in my room as there is a slight breeze coming through my AC area. Also, the window is partly down on the upper one. Going to be a cold night. I hope I don’t have to put on an extra blanket.
midnightdemons7 