I am so going to fail

I am so going to fail

Past three days I have made a solid effort to write my paper and still haven’t finished it. There isn’t papers about this shit. I am doubting myself as a suicidologist and never want to touch the damn subject of suicide again. It is destroying my soul. I have been up since my sister woke up because she is so fucking loud in the morning. Plus her door creaks loudly when she opens it and god forbid she should shut it quietly. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I had to get up because I had my therapy appt.

I had my coffee and then I made a bacon sandwich followed by another cup of coffee. I read stuff while I was ticking down the clock for therapy. She is a nice therapist but too soon to know if it will work out. I don’t know if I have a copay. I haven’t been told. I need to call but I am so focused on this paper I will call tomorrow. We didn’t talk about anything exciting. Just my past history. We did talk about my suicidal stuff. I have had some ideations and today I so wanted to just end things than finish this fucking paper. I know I am going to get a failing grade.

I got a headache. I tried to nap and it didn’t work out. My post nasal drip is out of fucking control and I keep gagging. I haven’t been drinking water like I should. I also haven’t been checking my blood pressure either. I keep forgetting. I got to go tomorrow to get it checked anyways. It will be a five minute appt or maybe longer if I shoot the shit with the medical assistant. I don’t know what the plan will be until after this appt. I don’t have a scheduled visit with my pcp till Jan. That seems too long to wait with the way my blood pressure goes. I don’t know if I will see the NP. I am just worried.

I’ve been having anxiety over this stupid paper all day. I feel like I am writing a dissertation with no sources to back me up. I have a shit ton of research and none of it is helping me. I must have looked at more than fifty articles and saved just as many. I have added books too. I am so tired. I have given myself till 10pm to finish and whatever I have is what I am turning in. I think there is one part where I repeat myself but I don’t care, it’s space. LOL I thought the references would be longer but I keep using the same ones over and over so it really isn’t adding to the list. And my bibliography program I want to boot to the moon. OMG it has given me such a hard time finding shit. I had to create at least two references and one of them didn’t come out right. I don’t care. I was ready to cry last night as I couldn’t move past 4 pages. I am up to six of eight so I am getting there. I just don’t know what else to write about. This paper at this point is not cohesive in the least. I have no idea if it makes sense. I am just hoping for at least a passing grade of C. I can accept that at this point.