Sunday Blues

Sunday Blues

I took a trazodone last night because the past few nights have been difficult. I slept through the night and most of the day. I didn’t get up till 11 when my bladder was close to bursting. I was dreaming I was on the toilet but for some reason, I couldn’t pee and then I woke up. I am glad I didn’t pee in my dream or my bed would be wet.

I took my meds and checked my messages. Then I played on my phone. I had a few goals today and it was supposed to be reading my studies. I ended up hearing the lectures for the week and became unmotivated to read. I also had to shave and shower. I did both of those. I had leftovers for supper. It wasn’t many calories as it was sweet potatoes. My sister made them and I don’t know what she used but they were very peppery tasting. I usually roast them as is. I like things plain. She scooped my butternut squash and had to put some green topping on it. I wanted to kill her.

I was glad to finally trim my mustache as the hairs were irritating my nose. I have been feeling so shitty lately. I feel tired all the time. I don’t sleep well. My appetite is finicky. I feel worthless most of the time. Not to mention the shame and guilt I feel nearly every day. I don’t even know why I feel guilty most of the time. It’s just there.

I have therapy tomorrow. Not sure what I will talk about. I never really have an idea. Lately she just has been asking questions so it has been easier to talk. I did my meds today and the magnesium softgels I bought are huge. They are much bigger than what I was expecting. I had to buy them at the pharmacy because I couldn’t order my usual ones. They were too expensive. I will order them when I get paid later this week. They are on sale at Vitamin Shoppe. The prices have gone up there since I last ordered from them. Even my vitamin D is more expensive.

In addition to the textbook, I have three articles I need to read. One is 14 pages, another 9, and the last one (recommended) is 13. This week is study week as we will be getting a study guide on what the exam will be. I really hope we don’t have to work in groups again. I have to write about one of the articles for the discussion for the week. I will get that out of the way tomorrow. If I can’t sleep during the night, I usually read the textbook as it keeps me off my laptop and phone. I don’t have a book that is not clinical right now. I have a trans book I have been meaning to read but reading about trans kids is hard for me. I know what they are going through. I wish I had the courage they had to come out at their age. I think I would have been happier sooner. It just sucks that my mother’s death is complicating my trans joy for top surgery. I still feel the grief. And the memories of that week she passed and I was recovering. She took a turn for the worse toward the weekend and died exactly a week after my surgery. Such a difficult time.