Anxious Monday

I woke up before 9 and stayed up. I had to make the chicken casserole dish and I knew it was going to take me a couple hours. I had coffee and a corn muffin. Then I made a real cup of coffee. I had a Starbucks mocha with the corn muffin but needed a real coffee afterwards. After I had my coffee I boiled the chicken. And when it was cooling, I made the rice. I tried to find my 9×13 dish but couldn’t find it so used a smaller pan. It would only fit one bag of rice. Then it was time for therapy so I went to my room.

Therapy went ok. I came close to disclosing I was trans but I didn’t. I caught myself. We were talking about the weight loss drug and how I don’t like my body. Since top surgery I really can see how fat I am and it bothers me so much. She asked how much weight I plan on losing and I said between 45 and 50 pounds. I know someone who lost 90 pounds but that much would put me underweight or close to it. I am big but not that big. We talked about my anxiety of getting the exam over with. I plan on reading one thing today as a catch up reading.

After therapy, I made the final ingredient, the broccoli. While that was cooking i shredded the chicken and mixed up the sour cream and mayo mix with cheese. I put it in the oven and then played with the puppy. I washed some things. But I was feeling pretty tired. When it was done, I went up to my room to relax and let the casserole cool down. I tried taking a nap but got a wicked headache so bad I almost cried. Sounds were annoying me. I am headed toward a migraine so took something for it. I got up when my sister texted me. Her text sound was so fucking loud. It scared me so that was the end of trying to nap.

My niece was home for little bit. The puppy was happy but got whiney after she left for school. I’m just second news to her. I let her be. I had some of the casserole. It was good. But I didn’t have a lot as I was full off the rice, broccoli, and little bits of chicken I ate. Small meals seem to fill me lately. I have to drink more water when I get back to my room. I haven’t been good with drinking fluids today.

I need to shower but I’ll do that tomorrow. I see my psychiatrist. I am going to ask him to see if we can increase the Effexor. My mood has sucked the past week. I told my therapist today I will be meeting my DMH worker this week. It is busy. I still need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I also want to go to the library to get that book I want to read so bad. I need something fun. Last night I rented Lincoln because I couldn’t play the DVD. I love that movie. Sally Field did such a great performance.