grief and more grief

Grief and more grief

Saturday is my mother’s birthday. She would have been 84. I have been thinking about her all week. And then today after therapy, I started thinking about my own grief about being trans and not having trans joy because of my mother’s death. I feel so pained. It’s hard for me to write today.

I started writing this yesterday and couldn’t finish it. Today I am depressed and have low appetite. I am trying to drink fluids but it is hard. I felt a little lightheaded earlier but I am sure it is because my blood pressure spiked. I got a migraine soon afterwards. My third of the week. I slept terrible last night. I wanted to pick up my meds but I ended up taking a nap. I am finding it so hard to stay awake during the day as all I want to do is sleep. I feel really tired. I messaged my psychiatrist to let him know.

I slept with the puppy briefly until someone came to the door and she jumped up. It was someone downstairs. I went up to my room and ordered food but I barely touched it. I ordered pizza and only had one slice. I still need to shower. Shaving is optional at this point. I need my cousin to trim my neck hair has it is wild. I am still debating on going to the barber shop for a haircut or to do it myself. I won’t be able to do it outside as it is too cold.

I have been dealing with post nasal drip all day. It is driving me crazy. Feels like there is something stuck in my throat. I hate it. It rained this afternoon so I am glad I didn’t go out. I have to go out tomorrow to pick up my meds. I am going to try and go in the late morning soon after I get up. Otherwise I will not go.

I took the weight loss drug late today as I forgot about it. I usually get the syringe and bring it up to my room the night before so I take it with my meds. But I forgot and then when I was having coffee, the puppy was distracting me. I didn’t take it till around 5pm. I hope I don’t get a stomachache. All I have eaten today is a yogurt and that slice of pizza. Least I have leftover pizza if I get hungry later.

I’m still not sure we are doing anything for my mother’s birthday tomorrow. Sunday we are seeing my cousins for my birthday celebration. I am not sure if my brother in law is coming.