exile and baseball

Exile and baseball

I love the song Exile by Taylor. I don’t know what it is about it that I love. Just good vibes and lyrics. I listened to the baseball game today until the app cut out at the bottom of the 8^th. We won 6-3.

I took a shower. I feel a little better. I was in such despair for a little bit more than a half hour. I wanted to end things so bad. I have been getting more and more psychache lately. I don’t know why. It is like all the negative feelings are hitting me more powerfully. It’s next to impossible to feel joy or pleasure. I have some happiness with the puppy but not all the time. I feel sad most of the time.

I did my med boxes for the week. I am out of two meds. I had to ask my pcp for refills as I have none left. I will pick them up on Tues. I got to get my migraine med, too. Lowering the Depakote didn’t work for the tremors I have been having. I think lowering the dose actually increased the shakes. I think it is nerve related.

I have therapy tomorrow. Only other appt this week is with my DMH worker, unless I am able to see my therapist for another appt. Hopefully my bitch sister goes to work tomorrow so I can be in the kitchen for our session or in my niece’s room with the puppy. The pup has taken a liking to me and will cuddle me. I am loving it. I slept with her last night. She was a bed hog though. I had to push her in the bed so I could have some room. I didn’t sleep too good last night. It took forever for me to try and fall asleep in my bed. Then I gave up and went downstairs to the puppy. I had some weird dreams. I don’t remember what they were about now.

I still haven’t gotten grades yet. Hopefully tomorrow I will find out when we will get them during class. I got to read one chapter tonight to get ahead. I did the pre lab so I don’t have to worry about that.

I was reading a book on suicide last night and something clicked with me. I am going to share it with my therapist tomorrow. It is about decision making. He talked about how DBT and CBTSP were the top treatments for suicidal thoughts and behaviors. With DBT, you have to think about what to use as your skill set. Same with CBTSP. It is applying the brakes to your thinking. Like today, I was in total despair and just wanted to take the pills for it to be over with. But I knew the feelings would pass. I just had to ride them out. I did not act on what I was feeling. I let them be. Not saying this works all the time, but it did today. Sometimes I need something else to get through tough feelings. It all depends on what I am going through.