unwell

unwell

I had to pee at like 2 am and dammit, I couldn’t go back to sleep after. I kept sneezing and my brain was hurting me, like I was getting a humungous headache or migraine. I took some Tylenol and Ativan to try and get to sleep but by six I was still up. I took my morning meds and then had to pee again. Then I was able to sleep for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, my niece’s ex was still here so I couldn’t play with the puppy. I had my coffee and decided I wasn’t going to go out. I did not want to people again. Not even getting a drink at Starbucks was enough for me to leave the house.

I had my meeting with my DMH worker on the phone. We talked about the depression and how I didn’t go to class this week. I also was having stomach troubles because I felt like I had to go but wasn’t going. Yesterday I had the runs again and I didn’t want to be out in case I needed to go. I wanted my bathroom.

I set three goals for myself today. The first was to brush my teeth, which I did. Then shower and then do my lab homework. I still have yet to do either of those. I plan on doing the lab work after I write this blog. I don’t know when I am going to shower. Might be tomorrow. Or before I go to bed. I am thinking before bed.

I got to get out of this funk but I don’t know how. I am angry for a lot of reasons. I have grief for a lot of reasons. The psychache is killing me. I am so tired of hurting every day. There is this heaviness back in my chest that feels like an elephant sometimes. A thousand cuts. Being in an overheated room where all you think of is oblivion. I have so much school work to do. I got to read three chapters before Monday. I don’t know if I can. My head is so filled with failure it is hard to push through it. I just looked at assignments and there is three homeworks to be done by Mon. Fuck. I am so screwed. Not helping my feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.