Author: Midnight Demon

Heat and me don’t agree

I had an awful night sleeping last night. I woke up to pee and then pet the dog for a bit. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I think it was sometime after 6 I finally did and then my med alarm went off. I took my meds and had dreams I was on the Enterprise doing undercover work. I somehow got a second degree burn on my hand (in the dream) and had to go to sickbay. The uniforms were different than in the show or any current show. It had an emblem where the lapels were that stated the person’s rank at the collar. So it had the lapels and this emblem. It was weird.

I got up around 2pm. I had my coffee and a donut. My niece was going to go to the wake services for her boyfriend’s brother. She put the puppy in the crate. Soon as she left, the puppy was barking her head off and crying. I was in the hot kitchen and got a headache from it and the noise. I took her out and she went under the bed. I bought some treats and gave her some but she wouldn’t get out from under the bed.

I had a frozen dinner. I had soda to drink and as the glass fizzed I took a sip only to get the mist on my glasses. I then had a seltzer water. My sister got me into the San Pelligrino with lime. I also bought blood orange and limonata. Soon as the weather is cool, I am going to make my cake with blueberries and put frosting on it this time.

I feel like absolute shit. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be the same bullshit. I ordered some stuff at CVS for school as I just got one of my textbooks. I will go tomorrow to pick it up so I can go to Starbucks. I need to get out of the house. I have an appt with my DMH worker but I don’t think I am going to head into town. It is going to be hot and a chance for storms. This entire week is going to be above 80 and chance of rain or storms. No wonder my fucking head is killing me right now.

Today is national chocolate day so I am going to have Ben and Jerry’s fudge brownie ice cream. I need ice cream and the calories for my damn medicine. Sox are playing tonight against Colorado. I’ll keep track of the score like I usually do.

I had dinner with my sister and then had a cup of coffee. I felt tired afterwards so laid down. I snooze a bit and then woke up feeling super depressed and suicidal. I have no idea why. My cousin called while I was sleeping and left me a message I didn’t like. Maybe I’m just pissed off. I don’t know.

I had cuddles with the pup earlier today. Little sassy was with her mother so cuddling with me was OK and so was petting her. She didn’t have to hide under the bed.

I was up most of the night. I finished my book and still couldn’t sleep. My brain was turned on. I wrote notes on the chapters I wanted to focus on and then sent it to my friend to see if it made sense. This was at 5am. I went to sleep after 6. I took my meds. I don’t know what time I got up. Think it was 11 or so. I didn’t sleep too long.

Tomorrow i got to call my psychiatrist office and move up my appt. I also sent a message to my pcp as I sneezed last night and flared up my back. I have pain going down my leg. I felt something shift when I sneezed. I’m not have bowel or bladder problems so I don’t need to scurry to the ED. I hate radiating pain. Always freaks me out.

I’m feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I got my groceries today and my sisters judged me for it. I needed my drinks and going to the store to lug them is just hard. Plus you can only get so many at once. I haven’t found my tuna yet. There are some bags that need to go on the porch but it’s blocked by the dog crate so I can’t access it. I got an email today saying my insurance is overdue but I know I paid it on Thursday. I think the fricken holiday is messing with me. I’ll have to wait till Monday for things to clear.

Apparently I’m watching the puppy again. Dad came home and dropped her off then left. Didn’t say anything to me or my sister. I am not happy about this.

I never showered last night and I am mad at myself. I fell asleep and then was up most of the night. I got really thirsty and drank a lot which meant having to use the bathroom in a few hours. I just couldn’t sleep. I was cold then hot. I didn’t know if I wanted the blankets on me or off me. I just couldn’t get comfortable. Then I started sneezing. Fucking allergies man. I seriously thought of taking a shower at 3am. But I would hate to wake someone so I didn’t.

I just want to die and I don’t even know why. I just feel so mad and i don’t even know exactly what I am mad at. A few or a lot of things sure. My sisters yes. My finances yes. The delivery guy that took forever to empty the stuff and was rude yes. Idk if I am making sense. List of grievances. I haven’t been able to get any puppy pics because she has been hiding under the bed.

I keep thinking about my plan and yet I am reading this CBT book that is giving me ideas of how to help myself when I go back to therapy this week. I’ve been taking notes. I just got to write them up as it’s on a piece of mail. I usually have notebooks on my bed but since I haven’t been writing, I haven’t put any on my bed. So it’s just whatever is handy. I think i am going to write a review of the book. I just have two chapters to go before I am done. I should finish it by tomorrow.

I am going to shower now and use the body wash I bought for the hospital so I smell nice. Need to brush my teeth too. Then I’ll make a potato salad. I haven’t eaten anything all day.

4^th of July 2025

I cannot be happy this fourth of July because of who is in office. This country is more like an oligarchy than a democracy. It is run by white men who think they are better than everyone and are rich fucks who don’t give a damn except for themselves and other rich white men. I am disgusted to be an American.

I didn’t sleep last night. I was up half the night. I read for a bit as I couldn’t get into my game. I started taking notes on what I was reading and that got my brain awake. It took forever for me to get to sleep. I bought two of my textbooks for the fall. Next month I will get the other two that I need. I got up after 1pm. I had two cups of coffee and half a burrito that I found in the fridge. I made potatoes but didn’t do anything with them. I wanted to make an Italian potato salad. I need to cut the potatoes and season them. They are cooling in the fridge. I had the rest of the burrito and then some ice cream that was very good with another cup of coffee. I was watching the puppy but she kept going under the bed again. She came home with my niece and did zoomies and then went under the bed. My niece coaxed her out with some food. She ate some of her food then went back under the bed. She hates me when her parents aren’t home. She is on the bed now. I let her be. I told her her daddy is on his way home.

After having my coffee, I brushed my teeth and shaved my head. I still need to shower. I probably will before bed. I didn’t have the energy to take one yesterday. Sox played an early day game so there is no game tonight. I am tired. I am sick of being tired every day. I never wake up feeling energized unless it’s like after midnight. I might go out tomorrow. I haven’t left the house all week. I still want to go to Starbucks and have a latte.