Author: Midnight Demon

Getting there

I had a very difficult time getting to sleep last night. I was almost up for 24 hours. I didn’t get to sleep till around 3am. I woke up sometime before my med alarm went off to pee and then I just went back to sleep after I took my meds. I didn’t get up till after 2pm. My sister called and told me she was making a gravy with zucchini and to be down to dinner around 530pm. I got up and had two cups of coffee. They were not peaceful as my sister was in the kitchen and she was bitching the whole time and talking to herself. After I had my coffee I went upstairs to my room to finish this paper.

I just read it over to see if it made sense and I added some stuff to it. I was off to research land again. I had so many tabs open with different articles. I don’t think I used any of them. After I was finished with it, I immediately submitted it to get it done. Now I just have to study for my exam.

My niece was over the house and started making French onion soup. The house smelled like onions. I have been sneezing all fucking day. My sister said I smelled like an old man. I needed to shower. After I had dinner I thought I would but I got lazy. I also ate too much. I had a little wine with dinner. It was good.

I have been feeling depressed most of the day. I have therapy tomorrow. I hate that I have to be up early. I hate that I still have vivid memories of the delusions and psychosis I was going through. It was a lot. Just weird that all the suicidality that I have felt for years is “gone” and it’s only sometimes it resurfaces. Like I think I can kill myself and just go through with it. Like what is really stopping me from doing it? I have psychache occasionally. It isn’t as bad as it was before. And since my top surgery, I don’t loathe myself as much. That doesn’t mean I like myself. Just that I constantly don’t hate myself every second of the day.

I need to go to sleep. Hopefully I won’t have weird dreams.

Saturday Blog  14122024

I’ve been up since 4am. I woke up to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep. I thought it was like 9am but I didn’t have my glasses on when I looked at my phone so the 3 looked like an 8. I didn’t get up till 1030 though. I was planning on going to Starbucks but I wanted a cup of coffee before I left the house. I had a slice of pumpkin pie with it.

The bus was coming just as I finished my coffee so I had to wait for the next one. It was freezing when I left the house but the sun made things warm. I was still out of breath when I got to the bus stop. The bus was running late as my transit advisor said five minutes but I waited longer than that. I’m glad I left when I did because Starbucks was filled up. It’s always busy on Saturdays and sometimes it is hard to get a seat. I had ordered something to eat so I ate. Then I took out my laptop and spent a few hours working on my paper. When I thought I was done with it, I sent to a friend to edit it. He sent it back when I came home. I picked up my meds and then waited for the bus.

I worked on the paper when I got home. I had to cite something my friend wrote, he was quoting himself and I was like ok is this a personal statement/communication? He sent me the article where he got the information and I updated the file and my citations. Last night I learned how to add citations from pubmed. I was all excited about it. So easy. Though citing from a website is still torture, adding it to my program is anyways.

I am done with the paper for today. I can’t work on it anymore and time flew by. Before I knew it, it was time to take my night meds and I didn’t have supper yet. I ate some burritos and then took my meds. I hope I sleep tonight. Tomorrow I am not going anywhere. I need to finish my paper so I can study for my exam and then be done with class.

I have been feeling like shit most of the day. I have pain in my RUQ. I had pulled a muscle a few weeks ago and it still hurts. Stretching just makes it worse. I don’t see my doc until next month. At least when my neuro did liver tests I know it’s not my liver. Lying down usually helps. I just feel depressed. I hate this time of year.