Author: Midnight Demon

Trying not to nap

I slept till about 8am this morning. I had woken up to pee. I had some weird dreams about my pcp. I took my meds and rested till about 11 and then got up. I had some coffee. My cousin called and asked if we were still on for grocery shopping. I really didn’t need anything but turkey breast and just decided to go. $50 later, I came home. I am tired now. I was tired after my second cup of coffee. I have been trying to avoid a nap.

I came home and put the things away. Then I made some burgers. I still had my jack pepper cheese so I put them on the burgers. It was nice. I had bought a green tea but didn’t realize it didn’t have sugar in it. It was lousy. I drank like half of it then tossed it. My cousin bought me a coffee at Dunkins and it was like drinking dishsoap. I tossed it too.

I sent a message to my psychiatrist about whether I could get a referral to another therapist or if I had to leave where I get my care to see another therapist. He responded with “we’ll talk at our next appointment” and I need to see what my goals are. Fuck. I don’t know what I want out of therapy anymore. I see the DMH worker tomorrow. I just don’t know what I want to work on.

I need to shower today. And shave. I plan on doing this in an hour. Today was my migraine shot day. I have been migraine free (knock on wood) for almost a month. I haven’t had to take my PRN meds in weeks. I need to bring my sharps containers to the police station so they can be disposed of. I sort of know where to go but it has been a long while since I last went to the area. I can take the bus there, which is easier than taking the new green line. I do need to take the green line tomorrow when I go see the DMH worker.

My sinuses are kicking my ass today and the pollen count isn’t high at all as we had rain this morning. It has cooled off considerably. I like the temps in the 50s. It isn’t exactly short weather but I don’t care, I am cool. I was really suffering with the temps being close to 80 in my room even though outside was in the 70s. That is uncomfortable for me. I hate the heat. I keep meaning to clear the AC area but I just have no fucking energy. Just shopping took all I had. I was quick but my cousin took forever. He was my ride so I had to wait. I had nothing to do so didn’t mind.

Book has been published!

Book is now available in paperback and through this link

I wish I felt excited or cheerful but I feel like human garbage. I just feel so depressed. I want to cry so bad but the tears won’t come. I have been thinking of my mother most of the day. I woke up around 2 and thought about checking on her. I still think this and it has been more than a year. I went to Starbucks and the butcher shop today. I wanted burgers. I just went out and the whole time I was thinking I had to text my niece to see how my mother was. I feel so sad.

I thought about reaching out to my psychiatrist but why bother? He isn’t likely to do anything. I know I am just having a bad day. Wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I also bought a pasta salad with some chicken to eat. I ate like half and was full. I will make the burger later.

I hate sitting with the feelings. It is very uncomfortable. I am glad I went out as it has been a few days since I left the house. I wanted to read but I knew I really couldn’t given my mental state. I started reading “Who’s Afraid of Gender”? and it is a good book but not for teens. I also been reading Moby Dick. I thought about starting Principles of Psychology but that is a book to be tackled while out I think. It is very dense and a huge book. It will take me most of the summer to read it.

I am tired and just want to fucking sleep. But it is too early. I hate when the depression makes me fatigued and makes me miserable. I am trying not to beat myself up over it but it is hard. I keep thinking of past mistakes. I know this doesn’t help things and doesn’t make me feel great. It is hard to stop though. I am trying to think of good things and I know today is just a bad day.

My case worker called me today thinking we were meeting tomorrow. I had to correct her that we were meeting Friday. This is the second time she thought we were meeting on a Thursday. I might take a cab to Boston as the trains are going to be fucked up. Or I might take the green line in. I don’t know. I will decide Friday which way to go. My cousin is supposed to take me food shopping tomorrow. I want to get some more turkey breast. I like eating it when I want something light and easy to fix. I have to cook the burgers and I hate cooking. But I know it will taste awesome once it is done. I love a good homemade burger. I just wish I had pickles. Maybe I will steal some from my sister…

Book has been submitted!!

My friend got back to me late last night but I had already gone to bed. I got her messages this morning and after I finished my first cup of coffee, I went to work on loading what she had done. We both played with the stupid formatting and after her 5^th try, we got it to work. I submitted the book. Now I just need to wait for it to be approved. I am thinking it will take a few hours from now before the link is live. I have been trying to wait patiently but I am nervous. I am going to keep a spreadsheet about how many books I sell this time around. Last time I just had an estimate that around 100 books were sold for my first memoir.

I slept ok last night. I woke up around 645 to pee and was able to take my meds and back to sleep. I still woke up around 1030, which is fine. I plan on showering today but I haven’t got the energy to do it just yet. I need to shave my head today and brush my teeth. I had a frozen dinner for lunch. I plan on having Ben and Jerry’s for dinner. I really want a burger but I don’t have any. I haven’t left the house yet. I wanted to go to Starbucks today but I got so hot and sweaty just sitting in my kitchen that I said the hell with it. It’s like 80 degrees today. I hate the fucking heat. We seem to have moved past spring and into summer weather. I need to clear the area where my AC is so my Brother in law can put my AC in. I cleared some space for my clothes yesterday. I am doing little things each day so that it gets done even though it looks like nothing right now.

I placed some things on FB to sell but stupid FB won’t recognize my name as my first name so I can’t ship things. Assholes. I have been playing my ERAS playlist because Taylor always puts me in a good mood. I got my rings out today and wore them. I just felt like being fancy. I don’t wear them often. I usually just wear my watch. It’s the only jewelry I really wear. I have a bracelet that an aunt gave me for my high school graduation but I never wear it.

I hate the damn heat. I am sweating so bad. The ceiling fan is providing some cooling and the temp is going down. I just shaved my head. I have been waiting the last three hours for the link but I don’t think it will happen today.

Memorial Day 2024

Last night after I showered, I snoozed for a bit. I didn’t get up till around 9 to day my night meds. Then I was up till 3am. I started reading a new book called Who’s Afraid Of Gender? And it sucked me in for a couple of hours. I slept for a while and took my morning meds but I don’t remember the time. I ended up going back to bed to sleep for a few. I decided I really didn’t want to get up. I had to use the bathroom so I did and brushed my teeth afterwards.

My cousin texted me. I had told him the Os were going to kill the Sox and they did. They are leading 11-3 in the 9^th. I am glad it isn’t a shut out. I didn’t know the game was so early in the day. I am glad I missed it.

It’s cool today but I am topless. I don’t think I will be doing anything today but staying in bed and reading. I might sort through some clothes and put them somewhere. Mostly they are winter clothes anyway.