Author: Midnight Demon

Therapy and crisis?

I had therapy today and we talked about my black and white thinking about suicide. She boiled it all down to me not getting externally validated and then becoming suicidal. I thought about how I could validate myself but I would have to look it up as I don’t remember. I looked it up a few months ago, I can’t remember if it was because of a BPD chat or therapy. I don’t think I saved the search. I just feel like a nobody and said so. She said I was ableist in my thinking. I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I was listening to the song Enchanted the other night and I felt a pang as it reminded me of the time I was at the AAS meeting and I felt like I belonged with these people. I wanted to spend my career as a suicidologist. I have gotten slightly off track because of my education but I still have been following best I can the research.

Anyway, this has given me a kind of crisis and I want to shave my head. I have been thinning on top for a while and even though I have been trying to get it to grow longer, hair keeps falling out. I took a selfie after my shower the other day and you can see male pattern baldness. My hair isn’t as thick as it was. I have been flirting with the idea of shaving it off but I honestly don’t like how I look when it’s like that and then when it grows, it just gives me dysphoria. And then it takes forever to grow back. The top is a mess and I honestly don’t know what to do with it. I mostly been wearing ball caps when I go out just so I don’t have to do my hair.

It’s cool today and my room temp has dropped. It’s kind of chilly. I might have to wear a long sleeve shirt soon. I tried to read Anthro today but with the construction going on, it was next to impossible. I got to put some more thought into my observation assignment. I have no idea what exactly I will be doing. It’s got to be 1250 words and I need to use references from class. Ugh. Did I mention I hate this class?? I got two classes in the fall I am hoping to take. For some reason I thought I needed 15 credits and it is actually 45, which is about 15 classes, I guess. I am going to have to take a summer course so I can graduate in the spring of whenever, though I don’t know because the language classes are 4 credits. I am just anxious and my pdoc canceled my appointment for next week. Now I won’t see him for another month. I haven’t seen him since Jan. Too long in between visits. I hate it. I hope I can get my butt to class tomorrow. I have been having anxiety about leaving the house. I honestly don’t remember the last time I left the house. I think it was when I went to the ED on Friday because I was short of breath. I still got this mother of a cough that refuses to go away. I had to take the cough suppressant and Robitussin to quiet it somewhat for therapy.

Fast car

I finally finished my psych chapter. I will start the next chapter maybe today if I don’t feel like doing Anthro. I slept like shit last night and didn’t want to get out of bed today. I was able to wash my clothes but I still haven’t showered yet. I might do that after I write this blog.

I got my cough suppressants today but it hasn’t helped at all. I have been wicked congested. My psych exam grade has been updated. I got a 91! I am super psyched about this. Still nothing about Anthro. I just hope I get the grade before our second exam.

I finally loaded Luke Combs new CD onto my phone. I love his version of Fast Car. Always takes me back to when times were simple.

I am trying to get going today and finding it hard to do. I need to read my psych. I also need to do my meds for the week. I also need to pick up my meds from the pharmacy around the corner from me. It’s cool today but not too cold. One of our feral cats were on the plywood looking up at us today and it was so weird. Poor cat doesn’t have his porch to hang out on. It’s still being built. Hopefully the workers will come tomorrow. This project is taking longer because there was a ton of rotten wood on the sides of the house they were working on. They found more rot when they were putting in a post. Just delaying everything. This 6 week project has turned into months.

As I was listening to Fast Car, I was thinking of how I once belonged and now don’t really fit anywhere. I want to finish my degree. I don’t want to think about grad school or anything. I just need a year of classes and then I will be able to graduate. I got an email from my advisor as fall registration will be starting soon. I don’t think I will take a summer course, though I really want to. I need to find out if I need to take Italian 101 again or if I can just take Ital 102 next spring. There was a rule that no more than a year could pass between 101 and 102. I don’t know if that still exists or not. I made an appointment with the advisor for Friday. I also made the appointment before realizing I had blood donation scheduled. I will have to change my date. I hate when I make appointments without looking at my calendar first. Ugh.

I need to eat something and I don’t know what I want. Think I will make some nuggets and fries. It will only take like 15 minutes, once the oven preheats. It takes so long for it to heat up. I wish this cough would go away. I am tired of coughing. It needs to take a hike!

Trying to get a shower in today. Had a rough night sleeping. Trying to do anything today has been hard. I was able to finish my psych chapter. Don’t know when I’ll get to Anthro.