Author: Midnight Demon

I wish it would soon be over, but alas…

I don’t know if the research still supports this but according to the book I am reading about suicide, a recovery from a depressive episode can take at least eleven months. My depressions have lasted so long I don’t even know how long anymore.

I have been in a dreary mood all day. I wanted to clean one area of my room and I still might do it. I also have a stomachache. I ate some hot wings and I don’t think it is agreeing with me. I have been up since 3 even though I slept for a few hours between 7 and 11. I slept for about six hours and then it was like ok I am up. I think I went to bed too early. I will try and go to bed later and see if that helps. Problem is I could get overtired before it is late enough to sleep. Then I won’t sleep at all. It is so damn tricky.

I haven’t watch the Taylor docuseries. Today is episode 5 and 6. I just am not really interested. Depression is making it hard to do things I am interested in. I will be glad to see my therapist on Mon. I need to get some contact details from her should I need to cancel our appt. I have to give at least 24 hours notice but our appts are on Mon so I don’t think someone will be in the office on Sun.

It’s freezing outside so the heat has been going all day. I hate the noise it makes. My room is hot so I just put the ceiling fan on. I want a cheeseburger from McDs but it is kind of late now. I don’t want to risk my stomach hurting all night. I am tired and I need to take my night meds soon. It’s too early for bed though so I might read for a bit. I have been reading two books and swapping them when I get tired of reading. I usually will read one book during the night and then the other before bed. I don’t think I am going to make my book challenge this year. I might be like two books short, if I finish the two I am reading right now. I have a few more days so we’ll see.

Christmas Day 2025

I am not feeling festive and I just want to stay in bed. I don’t want to be alive. I just feel so fucking sad. I hate this holiday. I am so irritable. I got sleep last night but around 3 I started peeing and getting up every few hours to go. I was having weird dreams. I dreamt I was in the psych hospital again.

I had a couple cups of coffee and some cookies. I need to take my migraine med. I meant to take it before now but I kept forgetting to get it out of the fridge. I just am so tired. I got another damn headache. The dogs were over the house and one of them aggravated the other and they both started barking. Then my sister (bitch) fought with her daughter. I can’t stand when they fight.

We haven’t had dinner but I still full off the cookies. I am not really hungry. I will just have a little of everything. My bro in law is making a prime rib. It’s not my favorite kind of meat. But he wanted it. We are having lamb too. I don’t like lamb.

I feel sad and numb at the same time. I can’t wait till this day is over with.

Same shit different day

I don’t know if it was because of the alcohol I drank last night or my stomach just being upset, but I slept a few hours and woke up at 3. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep to save my life. I read. I took Ativan, I played games. Nothing was working for me.

By the afternoon, I felt wicked down. I missed my mother. My sister called me to do some food thing and I told her no. I had to take a shower as I smelled. I’ve been leaking pee today every time I had to go. I needed to change my clothes as I have been in them all week. I felt kind of better after my shower.

I went to help my sister after I showered. I had to deal with garlic for the scampi. She wanted seven fishes and we had seven fishes. I only ate two, scallops and the shrimp scampi. It was a nice dinner. We all were stuffed afterwards. We had some desserts. My niece made some awesome oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that were so good.

I am really tired now and I might be heading toward overtired. I took my night meds late. Which means I will be up later than I usually am. I might read some after I finish playing my game. My stomach hurts and I hope I won’t be up in the middle of the night again. I need to sleep at least through to five or six in the morning to get my hours in.

I’m not coming to my senses

Today is my birthday. I was slow in doing anything. I had a cup of coffee at noon. My phone kept going off but I ignored the messages. I had a few phone calls. My cousins called me wishing me a happy birthday and so did my goofy sister. She called at like 7am. I wasn’t up. I got up around noon. I wanted to get my meds and deposit money in my account. I never went to the library. I will try and go tomorrow.

My sisters and I went out for some drinks and food at my favorite place. I had some wings and a burger. I also had a gin and tonic and two whiskey sours. I am fairly drunk as I should be. I had a good time even though I didn’t win at Keno. My sister won over $200. She is lucky like that. I think my father plays a hand in her winning. We all had fun tho.

I came home and put my meds in the fridge. The new dog was here all day today. She is a good girl. If I wasn’t drunk, I would take her for a walk. I can barely sit up straight, LOL. I miss my Honey though. I am not used to the new dog. She is gorgeous though. A pitbull/husky mix. She is on the small side. She is about the same size as Honey. She is two years old and trained. I love her as much as Honey.

I haven’t seen episodes 3 and 4 of the Taylor documentary yet. I am too tired to watch it tonight. The alcohol is just going through my head. I am wicked tired. My niece’s ex brought both dogs to the house at like midnight and they were rambunctious. One of them started barking. I don’t like my niece’s ex. I don’t think he should have two dogs as he can barely take care of one.