What daily habit do you do that improves your quality of life?
I say brushing my teeth and blog writing daily. It is part of my routine.
Author: Midnight Demon
suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
What was the last thing you searched for online? #Wpdp
What was the last thing you searched for online? Why were you looking for it?
I searched for the number to Mass Health. I needed information about my account.
I’m a mess
I’m a mess
I woke up from dreaming a few times during the night and into the morning with severe headaches. They only seemed to last a few minutes but damn, it was painful. I got up around 1045. I planned on bringing my barber the casserole and then picking up my prescriptions. I also got a cold brew with sweet cream from Starbucks as a treat. Soon as I left the house, my right ankle/foot flared up. I don’t know what is wrong with it. It got better by the time I got to the bus stop. A person from the department of mental health called me while I was waiting. They had a question about my name as MassHealth had my deadname. I didn’t even know I had MassHealth. I tried getting the phone number for them to call and find out about it but couldn’t get a number. When I got to the Square, I dropped off the food and then went to Starbucks to get my drink. I sat and called MassHealth and found out my account is inactive. I would have to call SNAP and get it activated. I have no idea why I have to go through the food assistance program so I said yeah I will call them and hung up. I went to pick up my prescriptions. As I stood up my knees hurt in the same place. I swear I am a mess. Like WTF. It was really muggy today and I was sweating. I have no idea if it is going to rain or not as it is cloudy.
The bus arrived soon as I got to the station. I wanted to put money on my card but I only had a twenty and I didn’t want to put that much on so I just tapped my card and sat down. Walking home was hard as my foot flared up again. I was tired by the time I reached home. I sat on my porch for a bit before going upstairs. No one was home and I hated to hear the silence again. I finished my coffee and then heated some of the casserole for lunch. I still have two containers of it. It will be lunch for the week. It is so good reheated.
I feel a little better than I did yesterday. My side cramped up on me again while moving. I have no idea why. I took some Robaxin for the pain. I think I might have to take it around the clock for a few days to get some relief. I don’t know if I am going to go out tomorrow to go to my pcp’s office to drop off the books I bought. I still have a cab voucher I can use. I might do that and then walk to the station. I’m in no hurry.
Sox got blasted last night. The manager left a rookie relief pitcher in for two innings and he got shelled. He kept walking batters or hitting them. Ugh so pathetic. My cousin, who is doom and gloom, said that they aren’t going to make the playoffs as they need like 90 wins. We are like 5 games behind in the wild card. I still think there was a chance but after last night’s disaster, I am reconsidering.
My worth
I woke up today dreading the day, wishing I were dead. I tried consoling myself by saying it is only one day but I felt miserable. I had therapy and my therapist didn’t seem concerned with my apathy and despair. We talked about what to get out of therapy more. She suggested EMDR. I told her I would look into it. She said it is an approved therapy. I was shocked to hear this as it was still experimental when I first learned of it. Course, that was nearly thirty years ago.
After therapy, I pondered what to do. I still need to bring the books I bought to my pcp’s office. I also need to pick up my meds. I just couldn’t get going so I did nothing. Until I realized I am out of mirtazepine. I forgot to pick it up yesterday. So I walked to the pharmacy around the block. My right ankle has been bothering me the last couple of days. It was ok until I hit the cement sidewalk. It got better as I walked down the street that I swear turns into a mile when I walk it. I had to walk uphill for about 200 feet and it killed me. There were people along the sitting areas so I couldn’t stop. I rested at the entrance. I looked at my phone as my cousin texted me. I was out of breath and I still had to go in the back of the store to get my meds. My calves were building up with lactic acid by the time I left. The guy that was on the bench had left so I sat for a while before turning onto the street that becomes too long. I finally got to my house and a tuxedo cat was on my porch. It startled me. I sat and collected myself while the cat ate.
I came across this meme and it is so me. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Either my physical pain will flare or my mental pain will and when both do, I am in trouble. I could have asked my niece to pick up my meds but I wanted to go out. It was a nice day. Wasn’t too warm. Summer is almost over. Baseball season has a month left of games. I needed to go out to prove my worth. I may hurt later tonight but that is ok. It isn’t but what’s done is done.
midnightdemons7 
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