Author: Midnight Demon

Rain was pouring down I can hardly breathe

Grief is hitting me hard today. Nothing in particular set it off. I just miss my mother. It’s been eight months. So fucking hard. I got up late today as I woke up early. I didn’t want to go back to bed but I did. It was a good sleep. I wish it kept the grief away.

I have been thinking about how I have been suicidal since I was eight. I know part of me is suicidal because of not being a boy and having to suppress it for so long. I talked about this in therapy today. It was a difficult session. She wanted me to talk about my strengths but I don’t know what they are. I told her I don’t want to be alive. Last night was hard for me. I didn’t tell her I was in crisis or anything. I just don’t want to be here.

After therapy, I made lunch. I was hungry. I made a pizza. It always makes me happy. I had a coffee while it was cooking. I just had two cups today. I finally changed my bedding last night but I seemed to have misplaced my T bag. I don’t know where I put it. I might have to just get a syringe and things out just for this dose this week. I also have my migraine med this week. Tomorrow I have to go pick up my Effexor. I ran out. I meant to fill it last week and forgot.

I will be seeing my cousin on Friday. I will head south of Boston. It should be fun. I can’t wait.

Saturday Blog 09122023

I stayed in bed kind of late. I woke up in the middle of the night with another headache from dreaming. I took an Ativan and went back to sleep. Right before I woke up, I kept dreaming I was in the ED for another psych admission but it was Friday and I had to be out by Mon so I could go to work. Strange dream.

I got up and had a coffee and a sandwich. My sister bought cold cuts. My niece texted me that she was here so I went downstairs to say hello. I miss her. I haven’t seen her in a couple of weeks. I had another cup of coffee with my sister’s Keurig and it the temp was much hotter than mine. My sister said to adjust the temp so I will do that tomorrow. The coffee is hot but it doesn’t really stay hot for long. Her stayed hot for a while.

Afterwards, I went up to my room and put my sneakers on. I had to go get my meds. I still haven’t brushed my teeth yet but I will do that before bed. I am still drinking a latte I got at Starbucks. I had a package from my uncle. He sent me a 8×10 of a pic of us that we took on his birthday last weekend. It was nice of him to send it to me.

I am tired. I think tomorrow I am going to change my sheets. I have been procrastinating for a while now. I got to shave my head again. I never did it yesterday because my head was hurting so much. I am glad I am feeling better today. Yesterday was just brutal. I don’t ever remember having a headache that lasted all day before. I know it was a migraine, which is different than a headache but still. I was hurting.

I have been thinking more about my therapy “homework”. I still have no idea what I am doing. I will look up some distress tolerance stuff that I have on my phone. There is an app called DBT911 that I like. It has a few different modules to help when in distress. I haven’t been in distress. I mostly been in a numb state most of the time. I guess the increase in Effexor has helped take away the remaining depression. I am at the max dosage. I am not sure if mirtazapine is doing anything for me at this point.