Author: Midnight Demon

Feeling so depressed and tired

I had therapy that I almost missed because I overslept. Luckily I got up 45 mins before it started and was able to make coffee. I didn’t talk much. I did talk about my father. Today six years ago he died. I thought a lot about that day. Feels like it was yesterday. I told her the last few days have been rough. I haven’t been sleeping. I haven’t showered. I haven’t brushed my teeth. I am just so depressed. I asked her if she wanted to add a skill and she said no because she doesn’t want to overwhelm me and I haven’t been doing what I have been given. I was relieved to hear it because it has been hard juggling things.

I wanted to brush my teeth after session but I just couldn’t do it so I had another cup of coffee. It helped keep me from lying down again. I have been thinking about death on and off since therapy ended. I feel like a useless piece of shit because I can’t do basic care for myself. I am going to end up with no teeth because I don’t brush every day and this bothers me.

It’s cool out and there is a cool draft coming through the window. I just want to hunker down in my bed under the covers. I want to order pizza but I just can’t seem to get the nerve to call. So I am having my mother make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe I will get the nerve to call tomorrow.

My leg is hurting. I haven’t done anything yet. I plan on taking a shower after I eat. I hope it takes the allergies out of my eyes. They have been tearing something awful. Doesn’t help that there has been construction in my mother’s bedroom so dust has been around the house. I don’t know when the workers will be finished. I think my mother has to pick out the paint she wants to paint it.

After I shower I plan on reading the next three hours to finish the book I am reading. I have three chapters so I hope it will take that long to read. Then I will take a break from the suicide books and read a book on Juneteenth. This is the plan anyway. Just hope the shower doesn’t tire me out too much.

Another night of no sleep 23042022

I had a few snoozes but nothing more than an hour. I just had a bowl of cereal as I didn’t know what else to eat. I emptied my bladder after I had the cereal so I wouldn’t be full later.

I wish I could say that I was awake but I am not even that. My shoulder and foot hurt. I don’t remember the times I took meds for it. I have been trying to lay off the BT meds and just take ibuprofen and tizanidine to help loosen the muscles up. I do plan on putting diclofenac gel on my foot later today. My whole foot is sore so will put some all over it. I just hope it doesn’t cause any cramps.

My bladder is irritated. I don’t know why. There isn’t anything I can take for it either. Just hope it goes away soon. I’m falling asleep so will write more later. I hope I sleep for more than 2 hours at a time.

Saturday Blog 23042022

I slept but kept waking up every couple of hours. I was in a lot of pain with my shoulder so I had to sit up and move it around a bit before the pain would ease. I just had something to eat and my coffee. I had the Spring blend today. It was fitting as the weather is warm. My mother is freezing. I have to admit the house is a bit cool but it isn’t cold. Has to be her old age.

I’m just going to rest today. I don’t plan on doing anything. I am too tired to do anything. I am glad my therapy appointment on Monday is at 1 and not noon. Gives me more time to sleep. I still have three chapters left in the BCBT book. I will read a chapter later today. I don’t want to do anything but rest right now.

Next door neighbors are playing their music. I don’t know what nationality they are. One Christmas they brought over a flan that was excellent. It was really good.

I have to brush my teeth some time today. I didn’t do it yesterday because I was so out of it. My legs hurt so much today that I don’t think I will be able to shower. I am glad my niece went to the pharmacy for me. She was quick. I now have my diclofenac gel that I can put on my heel that hurts so bad. I hope it helps. I am really constipated. I need to take Miralax but I don’t have a clean cup in my room. I keep meaning to grab one but always seem to forget.

I am dying for pizza so going to order it for dinner. Right now I am going to nap as I am falling asleep. Later my dudes.