Category: depression

Feeling down

I had a rough time going to sleep last night. I was overtired and didn’t end up falling asleep till after midnight. Then I woke up in the morning to pee. I was able to get back asleep until my med alarm went off. Then an hour later I had to pee again so I got up. I took a sleeping pill so that I would sleep and possibly not get up to pee but it didn’t work out as planned. I am still so tired.

I had one cup of coffee and then I ordered lunch. I wanted lo mein. When it came, I ate some of it and a few pieces of the General Gao I ordered. Then I was full. It doesn’t look like I touched any of it as the container is still full. I will have dinner tonight and possibly lunch tomorrow.

My textbook came for my class and it is a huge ass textbook. I also got the clicker remote thing. I am not going to open it until class starts. I will start reading the book next week. Today I am just going to focus on taking stuff off my bed, a little at a time so I don’t overwhelm myself. I also plan on shaving as I missed some spots while trimming.

I just went over my degree audit. After I finish my required courses, I still need like 19 credits to graduate, which is like six classes, possibly seven depending on how it works out. If I start taking two classes a semester in Spring of 2027, that will put me on track to graduate fall of 2028. Right now it just seems impossible for me to fathom that I need to wait another two years to graduate. Ugh

I am getting another bloody headache. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow and last night there was snow. It’s crisp outside. I had to go down and get a few packages and the cold air kept on hitting me. There is a yappy dog barking across my yard. Their bark is so fricken loud. It’s a small dog. I hate yappy dogs. I miss my Honey. Her bark is full blown adult dog bark. Thankfully she doesn’t bark often. She is with her daddy. He was supposed to bring her last night but didn’t. I hate him.

Some goals done

I’ve been up since like 4am because my bladder decided it was full. These early morning awakenings are killing me. I tried to hold off but couldn’t. Then my sister got up for work and I couldn’t go back to sleep because she is loud and left the hall light on. I tried napping but there is construction going on on the street over from my yard so every time I tried to snooze, I heard hammering or drilling.

I had therapy today. We talked about stuff. I told her I didn’t want to live. She asked if I had a safety plan. I said I did. We went over it. She was going to send me a message on how to send her a message and the local urgent care for psych. Turns out it is in the town over from me, which is better than going into Boston all the time. She asked if I wanted another appt this week and I said yes. So I am going to see her again on Thurs.

I managed to groom and shower before therapy. I missed a few hairs on my face so I am going to shave it off. I don’t want to grow a goatee but if I mess up, I will. My back was cramping the whole time. I had to sit down a few times. I am thankful there is a seat in the shower. I brushed my teeth after I washed up.

I ordered Starbucks. I wanted a mocha really bad. I wanted to try their Dubai chocolate but it wasn’t available in the doordash app. I am really craving Chinese food but I need to wait for my bills to clear before I can order.

I am so tired. My sister has some chicken cutlets she made yesterday. I am going to have them for dinner tonight. She also made mashed potatoes. That will be yummy, too. I wish I had fallen asleep but all I did was rest. I have another damn headache. My blood pressure is much lower than it was yesterday. I am starting to think my migraines are due to my blood pressure spiking for whatever reason. I wish I could contact more than one provider in the patient website messaging thing but I can’t. So to my pcp the message will go about this.

I need to get a haircut. My hair is getting too long for me and is sticking out in places. The top of my head where I am thinning, is all spiked up. I plan on seeing the barber this week to shave my head. They had their prices on their website so I didn’t have to call them. I can also book an appt. Tomorrow I am going to try and clear my bed as I wasn’t able to do that today. Showering took priority. I need to stock my T supplies bag. My doc said my T level is high and I need to adjust my dose. I replied to her message but haven’t heard back yet. I take my dose Wed so it would be good to know before then. Hopefully I will tomorrow.