Category: depression

Another sleepless night

I had a few hours sleep and then I sort of woke up and was snoozing. I had some strange dream with my mother and people I have been watching on facebook. Then I heard a cat scream really loud and it woke me up. This was around 3am and I have been up since. I have been playing my game. It’s been fun.

I had a hard day yesterday. The National Park Service took down all mention of trans history on their website. I am so upset. My friend isn’t understanding what this means and she thinks I can stop it. It is out of my hands at the moment. I don’t even know how to get it back on the website.

I have an earache and my bladder has been cramping the past few days. I don’t know why. I am congested so I might have fluid in my ear. My urine has been on and off being cloudy. I don’t have any other symptoms. I do feel run down but it could be the depression making me feel this way.

I have a meeting with my DMH worker today. I haven’t decided if I want to meet in person or have a phone call. My niece just gave me pics of her wedding and I want to share them with her so I might go in person. It is coming on a year that I have known her. She has been such a good support for me.

I didn’t go to class yesterday. I just couldn’t get out of bed. It was cold and rainy so I didn’t want to leave the house. It was also windy so I know it would be bitter cold. My room was cold most of the day because of the wind. I did my Italian. I haven’t read the English book yet. It is just so dull. I read the notes the professor put up and I am like, I am not getting those vibes from this book. I haven’t really analyzed it too much yet. The extra credit for this class is going to be tough because you need to write notes and having it be substantial and a page or more long. It’s going to be tough.

I need to shave and shower today. I am letting my hair grow a little longer before I cut it off again. It just got too long to shave and I didn’t feel like dealing with it. I can’t make up my mind whether I like it buzz short or shaved. I go back and forth.

My favorite country artist, Mary Chapin Carpenter, is coming to Boston in Sept and I really want to see her. I don’t know how much tickets are. They go on sale today. I hope I can afford them. It would be wonderful to see her again.

Tired and lost

I woke up for my therapy appointment. I found it to be depressing as we talked about me being trans and how it upset me by not being validated by my family. I still wish I had a chance to talk to the leader of the BAGLY meetings I went to when I was a teen about changing sex. She was the only person I knew that went from male to female. I wanted to go from female to male. I hated myself so much. I am depressed as fuck when I remember all this stuff. It doesn’t go away. You don’t just have top surgery and then suddenly fall in love with yourself after years of loathing.

My therapist read one of the two chapters in Shneidman’s book. She found it helpful. We talked about the things in the book that I can’t remember now. She brought up some points with my mother about her not accepting me. I just felt really down after session. I went back to sleep for a few hours. I just didn’t want to get up. I only got up around 230pm because I had to pee. I had three cups of coffee and something to eat.

I read my boring English book. I had to read like 50 pages to get to part two. It is so dull. I got a headache after finishing the 50 pages. I took my night meds early. I am still tired. I got to be up early tomorrow. Maybe if I am, I can get a breakfast wrap at Starbucks with my latte. I am going to need a lot of espresso tomorrow.

I sent my psychiatrist a message the other day and I still have not received a response. Pisses me off. This is why I hate seeing him every month or so. I don’t see him again till March. I have a few appointments in March, especially during the break.

My RN called me back today to let me know what my doc and the meeting have been discussing. I can have my diagnosis changed. It’s up to me as there is no pressing need to do so right now. It would involve a new PA and all that shit. So I decided to stay with things, for now unless things change. I still haven’t heard about my financial aid from UMB but I got a reminder to pay my bill. Ugh. I don’t have four grand. I told my therapist today that if I had to withdraw, my mental health will be in the toilet. I love being academic and doing research and stuff. It will kill me not to be able to do it. I just got off text with the crisis line. I so wanted to act on my SI’s. I haven’t been close to acting because I am not exactly sure where things are. I would have to look for it and I don’t really want to. I know that if I know where they are, it makes it more likely to act when I feel like acting. Better to not know and just have a general sense of where they are.

It’s cold in my room as there is a slight breeze coming through my AC area. Also, the window is partly down on the upper one. Going to be a cold night. I hope I don’t have to put on an extra blanket.

Class and stuff

I didn’t want to leave the house today. I was so tired because I was up a few hours in the middle of the night, again. I got to stop going to bed around 830/9pm. I keep waking up around midnight/1am and then I am up for a few hours each time. Sometimes I can go back to sleep but sometimes I can’t and then I am up the entire day. Luckily, I fell back to sleep, though I don’t remember the time. Maybe 4 or 5am.

I left the house a little later than I usually leave and it cost me because the trains were slow and at one point had a delay. I got to class with 10 mins to spare. We discussed the book. I am supposed to read at least a third of the 2^nd book but it is boring as fucking hell. I did Italian when I came home, which was difficult as I still have no idea what the fuck I am doing. They had some pictures in the homework that I was supposed to describe what was going on. I had no words…I left the shit blank. Fuck that. Then I worked for like an hour on the next section trying to figure out the reflexive and if it was or not. It was annoying because I had to remember how to conjugate as well, which I did wrong the first few times. Ugh. I swear I am going to fail this class before it is over. I have no idea when the first exam is because it isn’t on the syllabus. There is NOTHING on the syllabus about the flow of class. Thursday I am supposed to get up early to go to the language lab so I can work on the reflexives. Damn thing is hard.

I came home and had to warm up before making something to eat. My niece made some food that smelled so good and it got my appetite up. I made burgers but there was no damn American cheese that was sliced normally. The last time I ordered it they sent me blocks of cheese instead of slices. I didn’t know this until my niece took it out so I can’t complain to them now as it has been a while. I am so mad that even the pepper jack cheese is in blocks instead of slices. Now I got to go and buy it even though I have it. Ugh I am so annoyed.

I got a lot of phone activity while I was in class. I got two phone calls. One was my therapist office which still deadnamed me. I flipped out and immediately texted my therapist. She said she was going to do something about it. I hope so because I am fucking sick of this bullshit. The second call was my RN at the trans clinic. I wanted to discuss diagnoses for the T and stuff but she didn’t know where that stands. My doc was in a meeting so she couldn’t ask. She said she will call me tomorrow and let me know. I felt better after I asked about their safety and stuff. I don’t want anything to happen there. They are good people. I was anxious after the phone call because we talked about what the felon is doing with the dept of education and not supporting trans students. I still haven’t received my financial aid reward for the semester. I hope it will be this week. Also the university sent out a message about Title IX. I am no longer protected against discrimination federally but I am protected by the state of Massachusetts. Weird how that is but at least it is something.

Therapist had texted me that she wasn’t feeling well and would be doing virtual tomorrow. I am glad I don’t have to leave the house tomorrow. I am so tired. We have lots to talk about. I just hope I am not too sleepy to talk.

I sent a message to my neuro about the headaches that have been happening daily and she increased my Depakote. I hope it helps because I like to do reading before bed and haven’t been able to because of the headaches. Hence why I have been going to bed around 8. I have a headache now and I am debating taking something for it. I don’t want to cause a rebound headache. Those suck.

I woke up around 2am. Foot was burning. Then I had a sneeze attack so it woke me up. I tried going back to sleep but couldn’t. I took some gaba to ease the burn. Around 4 I got hungry. I ordered McD’s. Now I am up.

I plan on reading the next book in my English class. There will be a new Italian assignment due this week. It doesn’t “open” until after 8am. I still need to work through chap 6. I finished the 1st English book the other night.

I like to be openly trans but current stuff is making it hard. I don’t want to lose my grants for school because of who I am. I wish I had money to support the ACLU. It is a good organization to fight discrimination. It is hard to fight the suicidal stuff when every day a right is being stomped on.

I don’t know if the twinging in my thigh is related to my increased back pain. I haven’t done anything to really upset it. I just woke up one day and my lower back hurt. I have been moving and still doing my things. Thankfully it is not severe pain.

I want to go to Starbucks today. I am so craving a latte. I also need to go to the post office so I can send my books to my family members. Not sure which post office i will go to. I can go to the one around the corner or the one near Starbucks. Decisions, decsions…