Category: depression

Just another day where trans rights are being stomped on

I woke up in the middle of the night to pee. I didn’t stay up too long. I fell back asleep and woke up with my med alarm. I was too sleepy so shut it off and went back to slumber. I got up a few hours later. I had a weird dream about my niece and me telling her mother the stuff she was doing. I was so annoyed in the dream.

I had my coffee and something to eat. I bought breakfast burritos and they are really good. I have them with hot sauce. I will have to pick some more up when I go to the grocery store. I only bought a few in case I didn’t like them. I finally brought the last of my Powerade to my room. I had a gallon of water and it leaked inside the bag it was in. I don’t know where the leak is and it doesn’t look like it leaked too much as it is still a full gallon. I don’t know.

I wanted to do my Italian today but I took a three hour nap instead. I still feel tired and I was kind of in a depressed mood since finding out the felon has told the dept of education to remove all mention of transgender. I don’t know what this means for me and getting my degree. I am sort of freaking out. I want to fulfill my dream of getting my bachelor’s. I just feel so fucking useless and depressed. I feel like I shouldn’t exist.

I texted my therapist last night that I was having suicidality with planning and she responded with please contact 911 or crisis line. Now I know she doesn’t know what the hell she is doing. I feel I need to educate her or something. I asked if I could email her and am waiting for a response. This is how it was with the therapist of 16 years. She didn’t know how to handle my suicidality so I just kept up a run around with it. In the end it got me nowhere. If I can’t trust someone to help me, it’s a losing battle. I honestly don’t know what to say to her. I’m hoping the Shneidman chapters will help.

I had some burritos for dinner. I took out some burgers but I didn’t feel like cooking. I got a headache. I don’t think I will be doing any school work today. I feel so shitty. Tomorrow night I got to attend the language lab on zoom. I was going to go to the one in person on Thurs but it was a snow day. We got some heavy snow last night. I wanted to shower today and I still might.

Saturday Blog 08022025

I’ve been up since 4 as I had to pee and couldn’t get back to sleep. I got out of bed around 10 as my groceries were going to be delivered but because the app changed, I had no idea around what time they would come. Before I got a half hour window and now I don’t. They were late, again. I waited all friggen morning for them. Then it took me forever to bring the stuff up because my back kept cramping and I had to rest. Took me nearly two hours to bring all the stuff up to my level. Next I got to bring the Powerade up to my room.

I had three cups of coffee. I only had Oreos to eat. I think I am going to make some eggs as I want some hot sauce. I finally got my ice cream so I am going to have that as well. I have been home alone all day. My sister went to Maine (thank god) and my niece is working. I put most of the groceries away except for the cabinet stuff. When I go make my eggs, I will do that. I also got to go on the porch and put some stuff there.

I haven’t finished my book yet but I will later tonight before bed. I want to finish the book tonight so I can start the other book tomorrow. I have to look on the syllabus to know which one it is. I don’t remember off the top of my head. I also need to practice some Italian.  I didn’t do so well in Duolingo today. I always get the order of words wrong. One of the examples, I forgot to put the verb in. Oops.

My coffee came this morning. And I ordered some Pike from the grocery store because it was on sale. I am done with coffee for the day. Three cups is enough. I bought hot cocoa so I might have that if I want something hot.

I did the excel sheet on my laptop, changing the size of the columns. I didn’t realize I had a UMB one drive. I couldn’t find the file and it was because it wasn’t on my personal drive. I had to email it to myself as I couldn’t move the file on my phone to my personal drive.

I have been having waves of suicidality with planning so I sent my therapist a text to let her know. I am coping with it as best I can. I tried to take a nap but wasn’t successful. I’ve also been playing my game all day. It has been a good distraction as I got to do things to get points and coins. I am so tired after I hauled all the groceries up one flight of stairs. I should sleep good tonight.

Hard day

I woke up around 1am and couldn’t go back to sleep until around 6. I read and played games and tried to relax but then I heard someone downstairs and it set me off. I kept thinking about my mother and it was really hard to fall asleep. I had therapy this morning. I managed to get up around 830 and have one cup of coffee. She was about 15 mins late as she had a call to take. I didn’t mind. She hasn’t read Shneidman yet. It’s on her to do list though. I told her I didn’t want to exist. I didn’t tell her I had a plan and would have attempted if I didn’t have school. I don’t feel comfortable disclosing this to her.

I managed to shower last night but according to my bitch sister, I still smell. I have clean clothes on so I don’t get it. I really think the laundry detergent sucks and isn’t cleaning the clothes. We have been switching brands and I don’t like it. It is expensive for the brand that my mother used to buy. I don’t know why detergent has to cost so much like every fucking thing else.

I have pulled some stuff about suicide safety planning for my therapist. I was glad to see Pubmed still up. I don’t know how much longer it will be in this administration. That will be a problem for another day. I am going to try and get my Jobes articles before it closes down. I haven’t disclosed to my therapist that I am a suicidologist. I have so much knowledge about it. But things have been about being trans and how I am feeling about things. Things with my mother and sisters. I have been feeling so damn hopeless, guilty, worthless, despondent at times and in despair. The psychache has been unreal. It was like for two years I didn’t feel a thing and then suddenly it was back. It is so intolerable. I want to get away from it every time I feel it. Sometimes it isn’t so hard but most of the time it comes out of no where and omg, I ache so hard. It’s like this bomb went off inside my chest.

I’m listening to Tis the damn season. I was listening to Maroon. I finally have it on my top 25. I am trying to get this song there. It is such a good song off the evermore album. I was reading my English book. I am almost done with it. I should finish it tonight as there is maybe a chapter left. I enjoyed it. I will start the next book on Sunday. I was supposed to go to Maine with my sisters but I don’t want to be around the sister I live with. I rather her be away so I don’t have to deal with her. I ordered my groceries. The money I was saving for my laptop was used for it. I needed to get food and my drinks. It is so hard saving for money on a fixed income. I also bought coffee that was on sale on Amazon. It’s coming tomorrow morning. I hope my therapist will be receptive to my email about the safety planning and taking my suicidality seriously.

I had multiple dreams last night that each time I woke up, I had a headache. So today has been a real challenge to get out of bed. I managed around 10 to make coffee and have something to eat. Then I tried to tackle the Italian homework. I had to enlist the help of a friend to figure out what to do because the video the professor talked about was not related to the homework assigned. Ugh. I spent like 3 hrs on it. Some questions I just couldn’t answer. One voice prompt i couldn’t understand so left blank. It was a homework where you did it until you got all questions right. It was annoying. But I learned.

I talked to my DMH because I was suicidal during the week. We talked for about 45 mins as she had a meeting with someone. We exchanged stories of languages. She took French.

I am attending a FTM zoom meeting. Be good to connect with same trans masc and non binary.