Category: depression

Foggy day

I had a good sleep. I was dreaming something weird when I forced myself awake or the alarm went off. I don’t remember now what it was but it was just creepy. I got up around 10 or 11. I felt like shit. I just realized I haven’t taken a muscle relaxer all day. My chest isn’t hurting so bad today. I just got brain fog and a headache.

I had some coffee and pancakes. I wanted to make an egg burrito but my stupid sister froze my tortillas again. I took them out of the freezer only for the ice to make them wet and soggy. I threw them away. The other package had a shit ton of ice in the bag so threw that away too. Such a waste. I am so damn bullshit. I am giving her less money when I get paid. Fuck her. My food got wasted on her bullshit.

I have had the hungry horrors all day. My last meal, which is what I really wanted all day, was eggs and cheese in a tortilla. My sister had some. They were small though, not my burrito sized ones. It was too small to make a burrito so it was more like a taco.

I did my Italian. I am waiting for my friend to correct it before I send it off. I haven’t done any reading. I got a headache so I doubt I will do any tonight. I am feeling pretty tired. I got to be up early tomorrow as I got an appointment in the morning. I had to cancel my therapist appointment to see one of my pcp’s colleagues about my chest pain. It’s a little better today. I haven’t needed to take anything for pain.

I got a call from my long term disability company. I spoke with them yesterday as their annual review. They now need my medical records. I wish they would make up their fucking minds. They got my records last year. I don’t know why they need them this year, too. But it’s freaking me out. I’m always scared that they will take my benefits away.

I got three appointments tomorrow. I hope that the medical appointment doesn’t take more than an hour as I need to be home by 2 and I am traveling by T. I don’t have appointments on Thurs but I have two on Friday. I still need to go to the Square to pick up my meds. I might do that on Thursday. I didn’t feel like going out today.

Since Friday, I’ve been experiencing chest pain. It was my usual stuff and I wasn’t worried about it but I also wasn’t taking meds for it like I should have. I got a massive cramp under my rib cage and that just made my chest way worse. It felt really heavy and the pain was now crushing. I called an ambulance after failing to find someone to take me to the T or hospital. I was in the ED a few hours. I had bloodwork and tests done. All were negative but none explained the pain. I was discharged home to follow up with my pcp.

I wrote a note before going to bed telling them I was in the ED. I woke up around 10. Someone from the hospital was calling but I was too groggy to answer the phone. It was my pcp’s office. I called back and we talked. I felt ok but a few hours later I sneezed and that made everything worse again. I had heaviness in my chest and I wasn’t sure if it was physical or mental. I’ve been feeling really depressed all day.

I tried doing school work but just couldn’t get into it. My paper is supposed to be graded today but I haven’t found where it will be. I’m so behind in the reading and I am not liking this book at all. It’s like reading Uncle Tom’s cabin.

I am really not feeling well. All weekend I was pretty much in bed. I slept pretty late. I had a busy week. This week is busy too. I have 5 appts. 3 on Wed and 2 on Fri. It was raining today so I didn’t go out. I have to pick up my meds tomorrow. I am almost out of depakote. Also need to pick up a book I ordered.

I have been fighting a nap the last two hours. I just feel like shit. It’s been warm so I’ve been wearing shorts. Also been hella windy. My hat nearly blew off my head the other day. Crazy weather.

Saturday Blog 15032025

I had a good sleep but I woke up in the middle of the night. I was up for two hours or so. I had to pee and for some reason, my bowels decided to go too. I went back to sleep and woke up to my med alarm. I shut it off but didn’t get up. The next thing I heard was the alarm for my game. I still didn’t get up. I finally decided to get up around 4pm. I was in a mood but I was hungry. I made something to eat. Bitch left me a note and I didn’t do anything. I cleaned up after I ate. Then went to do my Italian homework.

I have until the 23^rd to do it and I am grateful because once again, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. I went over the videos again and things made sense until I got to the homework and was, ok maybe not.

I feel wicked suicidal. I won’t act on how I feel but I just want to die. I don’t even know why I feel this way as I just woke up like this. Nothing happened. I hate when my mood is so low and thoughts are just dire. I am going to go back to sleep after I write this because I am just so tired.  My country is going to shit and the people “in charge” don’t give a fuck anymore.

Last night I thought I was going to have to go to the ED. I was having some major pain all over my chest. Eventually it settled down and I was able to sleep. It’s bothering me a little bit today.