Category: depression

Here we go again

I finally managed a shower yesterday. And I am wearing my TNMT Pjs. They are nice and comfy. I might go to the store tomorrow with them on if it isn’t too cold out. I wanted to go to the store but I could barely stay awake. I put the white noise machine on and it made me so sleepy. It took forever for me to get to sleep during the night though. My brain was going and didn’t want to shut up.

I didn’t go out today because I was too sleepy. There was no heat in the house because we are having problems with the boiler. Hopefully it is fixable. I have been wearing layers. It is ok in my room. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain. I probably won’t go out. I really haven’t been out all week.

I’ve had a stomachache since I had something to eat. I had a turkey sandwich and some cookies. I also had a cup of coffee to try and warm up. It was cold in the kitchen so I made some sugar cookies. They didn’t come out right as I undercooked them. Oh well. I still ate them. Not a lot though as my stomach was hurting. I have been trying to drink water but it has been hard. I am getting close to finishing my bottle though. A little at a time.

I am very depressed that Congress passed a trans youth bill banning gender affirming care. Makes me so sick. Most surgeries do not happen to those under 18. It is ridiculous. I am so mad. And stupid anti-mental Health RFKjr is trying to take away counseling from them too. Asshole. Bunch of pedos sticking their business in children’s genitals.

My room smells like wet dry wall. I hate the smell. It’s because it is musty in my room. I am listening to Pearl Jam. I need to listen to it because I am so frustrated. Taylor doesn’t work when I am like this. I feel so invalid. I don’t know if the morons in Congress filed the bill that said there were only two sexes. I haven’t seen it. I will never be able to get my passport done if that does pass. I feel so stupid. I should have had this done a while ago but I didn’t have the damn money. Fuck. I feel like a non-citizen. In a country I was born in. I don’t think I can bring this up in therapy because Medicaid pays my copays. I hate my life right now. And no one understands. I am alone. Always alone.

Another shitty day

I had a hard time sleeping. I tried everything and finally gave up around 11. I was reading Jack Turban’s Free to Be which is about trans youth. I can relate to it so much. I realized I have gender repression even though I expressed myself as a tomboy throughout my life. I guess it was easier being seen as that than as a man. It still hurts that I repressed myself so much I wanted to kill myself. How much I loathe myself you wouldn’t believe. I sometimes still do.

Last night I was in agony. The Senate passed a bill that would ban trans athletes and federally define sex, which would essentially make trans and intersex people non existent. 28 Dems voted yes on this bill and I am so damn angry. I used to like Amy Klobochur but she has turned into my nemesis. I am glad she is in MN and not Mass. I don’t know if this needs to go to the house or not. I am just on the edge again. I will never be able to get my passport if this passes. Federally, I won’t be seen, which is just like it is now. It makes me so sad.

I was having palpitations last night. It was freaking me out and I wanted to send a message to my pcp. But after a little while it stopped and I wasn’t so anxious. My blood pressure is still up. I got to take a few more readings for the NP. It hasn’t been a week since I increased the dose to 50 mg. I still have some room for it to work. Then I got to get my bloodwork done.

I have been tired most of the day. I have been in bed. Only getting up to check my messages on my phone or answer my sister’s calls. I played my game most of the day but things have been taking longer to produce products. It has been a long day to wait. I had small meals today. I had cottage cheese for breakfast/lunch and then a chicken sandwich for dinner. I have been drinking water more than Powerade. I had to refill my water bottle again today. I seem to be doing it at least once a day. I am going to go to bed early tonight. I didn’t nap so I should be able to sleep through the night. I am listening to Taylor’s Fearless album. It is one of my favorites. I have it just at the right volume.