Category: depression

Tied together with smile but you’re coming undone

I have been sad all day. I’ve been listening to Taylor because she is in town performing the next three days. Her song Breathe got to me today. I almost cried while at the bus stop. I came home to the empty house. I bought my mother’s favorite bread on the way home as we haven’t bought any since she stopped eating, which was about a week before she died. I thought about making grilled cheese or a PBandJ sandwich but I ended up eating the leftover chicken I made the other night.

My sister left me a note to do the dishes. Took me all day to get the energy to do them. I went out to the social security office to change my sex. It was quite a walk. It is two long blocks from the station. There is no bus that goes down the street. There was a wait as the room was filled but I didn’t have to wait long. I think I was there for about 45 minutes. I then got an iced coffee. I was thirsty. I only had one cup of coffee before leaving the house. I found out they opened a Starbucks across from the station, which I thought was pretty cool. I thought about getting a latte on the way home but I had iced coffee instead from Dunkin. It was decent coffee.

I thought about going to the library to pick up the book that I have on hold but I didn’t have the book I need to return. I am done with reading Caste. The author is repeating herself and I just can’t read how screwed Black people in the US are, in addition to being killed. It is happening today because of White Supremacy just like it was in the 1930s. Nazi might have been born in Germany but they were modeled off of the US caste system. I just hope that what happened there doesn’t repeat itself in the US.

I am tired. I was up until 5 am. I don’t know how it got to be 5am. I was writing in my journal around 0230 and stopped around 330/4. Next thing I knew it was 5 so I went back to bed. I slept until my med alarm woke me up and I seriously wondered if I was going to get up or not. But I had already put off going to social security for a month so I had to get up. Now I just got to figure out how to get my sex changed on my insurance.

Seven weeks post op top surgery

I saw my surgeon today and he is so fricken handsome now that he isn’t wearing a mask anymore. I love him. He said I look awesome and that if I have any problems to give him a call. Other than that, I am to see him in a year. I saw the awesome NP that has been taking care of me the past few weeks. She said I look good and the puffiness on the right is just normal. I don’t have fluid anymore much to my relief. I just have numbness. I am binder free and I love it. I am really happy with everything, even though my mother isn’t around to share with it.

I had gone to Starbucks before the appointment and left my stylus. I forgot to put it back in my phone before leaving and it fell, thankfully was found, and I picked it up after my appointment. I also picked up my meds. I dropped off my mother’s insulin in the med disposal box at the hospital. I felt so sad disposing of it. I don’t know how to deal with her loss anymore. I wanted to call her so many times while I was out today. My cousin gave me a ride to the Square. We talked about my mother for a bit.

I was able to call PT and set up some appointments for my foot. It has been bad the past few days. I have been in so much pain. I just sent my pcp a message asking if I can use diclofenac gel on my foot. I will have the same PT that I have had before. I am glad because we work well together. I am kind of scared though because my foot is all knotted up and she is good at finding them. It hurts when she works them out. But I feel so much better afterwards.

I am thinking of making a burger with turkey bacon tonight for dinner. I am craving a burger. I might make some fries, too. It is cool out today so I can turn on the oven without overheating the house. I am so tired. I woke up around midnight and stayed up till around 3. I fell back to sleep, thankfully. I had a cup of coffee when I got up. I had my last Belvita cookies package. I need to order more next week when I get paid. The anise cookies that were on the table disappeared. I don’t know if my sister took them or my niece. My Cheez its are gone and I am not happy about that. I didn’t have any. Someone ate them all, again. I am not buying them anymore as I never eat them. Someone seems to grab them before I can get to them.

With me being free from the surgeon, I can now take care of my mental health. I thought about going back to the hospital for a couple of weeks but there is no guarantee I will be at the hospital I was in. I don’t know really what I expect out of it. My therapist said that I will be sad for a while. It hasn’t even been two months since my mother passed away. I feel like I will disappoint my sister if I go back in. I just don’t know what to do. I know my therapist won’t be no help. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts, some days they are worse than others. I don’t think I will act on them but I feel like I could as I don’t trust my impulses. I have been in control the last few months. I haven’t done anything or taken anything impulsively, except for a dose of Ativan because the binders were annoying me. I just think my grief would be better handled if I were inpatient for a little while. I don’t know though. I don’t see my psychiatrist until June 1^st. I’m not sure what he will say. I wish I could talk to him without having to send him a message in my record. I feel like everything is recorded these days. Sucks.

I did a few errands and put on three loads of laundry. Came home and was wicked sad. House just feels so empty without my mother.i went to my room to write this blog and my laptop wouldn’t work. I am so frustrated with it. Restarts take forever. I think I might have to buy a new one.

It’s like 80 degrees out. I have the binder on. I put it on after I showered. I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up in the middle of the night again and didn’t get back to sleep till after I went pee at like 6am. Then the bowels woke me up around 1030. I almost didn’t make it to the bathroom on time. My chest feels heavy today and I was short of breath while walking. I think I have fluid in my chest again as my chest isn’t as flat as it was. It is hard though so it might just be healing. I’ll find out Thurs when I see the surgeon.

I am wicked tired. Wicked sad. I need to take my recycling downstairs. Tomorrow I don’t have to do anything. My allergies are wicked bad today. Nose is all congested and my eyes keep tearing. I got to use Flonase again. I get in a routine of using it and then forget a few days. Nose has been hurting me for some reason past few days. I hate this season but I hate summer more. Can’t deal with heat.

I tried calling PT to make an appt for my foot but my phone wouldn’t connect for some reason. I’ll try tomorrow.