Random 255

Random 255

My appetite is finally back, least it was for today. I had a couple slices of homemade pizza for lunch and then some ice cream. Now I feel sick to my stomach but I am full. I didn’t know where my mother put the ice cream. Apparently, there are two freezer drawers in my sister’s fridge that I didn’t know about. That’s where it was hiding. I am thinking about getting some Ensure for the days I am not eating, but it’s expensive so we’ll see how it goes.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me today. She is back in the office. I have been waiting all day for an appointment with her. I’ll probably have to email her again. But the way that I have been feeling, I really don’t want to see anyone. I feel like I am a burden or that I am just too much for my psychiatrist. I know I feel that way about my therapist. I was writing about it in my journal this morning. I just feel that both will be better off without me.

I am again plagued with fatigue today. I kind of wish my thyroid wasn’t normal. It would explain so much, not that I want another medical condition. But then I wouldn’t have to always blame my tiredness on the depression or chronic pain. It’s just so hard to deal with and it’s difficult to get going when you don’t have anything to do all day. Tomorrow I will have to go to my father’s to do his meds just in case I need to call his doctor’s office for a refill. If I wait till Saturday, I will have to wait till Monday and I might not remember.

This morning I was dealing with pain. My ankle just didn’t want anything to do with walking, standing, or going up or down stairs. It made such a fuss that I had take two pain meds to calm it down. It made me sleepy so I took a nap for a couple of hours. Even during the day I can’t sleep more than a few hours at a time. Even now, after I had lunch and a snack, my ankle is starting to flare up again. I was going to go to Walgreens to get some stuff but I think it will be another day. I am just too tired and I don’t want to test my ankle walking. Plus it’s cold as anything out. Even the house is cold.

I vaguely remember Jack coming out today because he was so angry at my therapist. It doesn’t look like I will be talking with her today. And I think Jack is really mad because of that. I think he thinks she just doesn’t care anymore. And with the depression being as bad as it is, I kind of believe it. Lately, she has been so distant and I don’t know why. Maybe I am too much for her. I told her she should just run away from me. She is only going to get hurt. Jack really wants to cancel therapy next week and not go back. I fear that if I cancel, she is going to honor the cancellation, something she has never done in the past. Usually, I have to beg and plead to get out of a session. Now, if I cancel, that is it. Session is gone. No more fighting or talking about it. I think she is tired of me. I think I am not going to see her for a while, get caught up with my account with her and then cut her out of my life. I don’t need therapy. There is nothing forcing me to go. I have no court order or anything of the sort. I think I am just going to stop therapy. I will tell her I just don’t need therapy and will continue to pay her until my account is paid off. I am sure her billing people will be glad to get rid of me.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Random 255

  1. Errrrr….I think you shouldn’t fire your therapist. So many times you’ve written about texting her, or being anxious to hear back from her…it’s hard to find a new therapist, especially if you can’t pay up front.

    Just my two shekels ❤

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