Category: depression

Tiring day and still have writer’s block

I got up early because I had a doctor’s appt. I took a trazodone the past two nights and my sleep has been filled with weird dreams. Last night I wasn’t sure if I was sleeping or dreaming. It just felt like things were happening in real life. Then in the middle of the night, my stomach was bothering me. Acid kept coming up, causing me to cough. I had the hungry horrors yesterday and ate a lot of food. I was sick to my stomach by being so full. I didn’t have anything after like 3 pm because I didn’t want to get sick. I got the gags from post nasal drip and that caused me to vomit.

My appt was really just a nursing visit by the medical assistant who is running the job as a nurse and medical assistant as the nurses are on maternity and paternity leave. My BP was normal today. I was expecting a note from my pcp but I didn’t get one. I guess I am to continue on only one blood pressure med for now. I go back next week for the same thing.

I went to the square afterwards. I was carrying my library books and returned them. I was hoping to get a book but today is a holiday and they were closed. I got my meds and then came home. I was hungry so I made something to eat. Then my sister texted me asking me if I wanted soup. I just had a sandwich so I went downstairs for soup. It was filling.

I came back to my room and tried working on my paper but nothing was coming to me but confusion. I have like 6 days to write 10 pages. I only have a paragraph written so far. My articles I thought would be helpful were not. I feel so screwed and my brain is betraying me. I keep looking at the cursor and nothing is happening. I can’t even think about the book I read before the semester started. I got to work that in somehow.

The only positive thing today was that a therapist called from the organization my psychiatrist recommended. We talked for a few minutes and then she sent me a link for access to their system. I had worked like an hour and a half on all the consents, policy reviews, and questionnaires. I had to lie down after as I was just tired. I had been sneezing most of the day and had either a runny or stuffy nose. I don’t know if I am coming down with a cold or if this is just allergies. It was wicked cold today. I had to bust out my winter jacket. The wind made everything colder. And looks like the parking lot is going to finally begin construction because they blocked off access through it. I had to walk around the block to get to the bus stop. I also wore a mask because I didn’t know if I have a cold or not and I didn’t want to spread it nor did I want to catch anything.

I am so tired. I need to write something for my paper. But I can’t be up too late because I got an appt tomorrow morning with my neuro NP. I spent one of the nights not sleeping as I was just wired. I kept writing a sentence and then playing my game. This went on for most of the night until it got to be like midnight and I decided to try to sleep. I failed. My sleep has always been crap. I tried the trazodone again because a friend said they use it to stay asleep during the night. I figure I would try it. For two nights it helped, aside from the reflux last night. I just wish the weird dreaming would stop. It’s kind of freaky and makes no sense when I wake up. I don’t remember them now but I wake up so confused.

Didn’t sleep last night

I was playing my game and writing my paper. It got late and I got kind of wired. I couldn’t settle down. I was up most of the night. I even turned on the white noise machine but it didn’t help. I had something to eat around 6 and took my meds and then I was able to sleep for a few hours.

I feel really tired today. I haven’t done much. I had something to eat and had my coffee. My sister was upset with me and let me know it so that made me feel really good. She said she doesn’t think it’s my mental illness or depression that is the reason just that I am an asshole. I felt so good. (I am being wicked sarcastic here on feeling good) I felt really bad and disgusted. I didn’t say anything to her at all.

I messaged my pcp to ask if the therapists at her office are short term or long term. If they are long term, I might be willing to see them. I am not finding any luck elsewhere. My psychiatrist said that he would ask his assistant to search for someone but I don’t know if I want to see another therapist where everyone can see my record. It feels intrusive.

I am really struggling. I have been in bed all weekend and have not really left the house in days. I am glad I took a shower yesterday. I am going to try and take another one tomorrow. I still have school work that needs to be done. I just don’t know how I am going to get it done. I have no fucking energy or motivation.

It’s windy so the cold air is coming through my window. My room is cold and my feet are freezing. I got to find a pair of socks to put on that are comfy. I have the thermal socks but they tend to cut my circulation in my calf because it gets tight. There’s like no stretch. I hate it. I have thick legs. They’re not swollen they just are big.

Saturday Blog 08112025

I’ve been depressed most of the day. I got up late and took my time doing things. I had breakfast and coffee. Then I buzzed my head. It was warm outside so I did it on the porch. The puppy was so confused as to what I was doing. She ate my hair, which I tried to stop but was not fast enough. Dogs. Then I waited to shower. My sister got mad because I left hair in the bathroom. I thought I got every thing but apparently I didn’t. Oh well.

I had a few goals for the day that included showering and reading some articles for my paper. So far I have done one article that I am probably not going to include in my paper. It was about capability of suicide and it was a really poor paper. I didn’t understand the statistics of it but there wasn’t validity and reliability so not good. I don’t think they mentioned what statistics program they used. If they did mention it, I didn’t pay attention. I got a headache and am trying to avoid laying down because I know I will sleep. My sleep has been so messed up. I was having weird dreams last night. I was awake around 7. I thought my cousin was going to go to the cemetery today but she neglected to tell me it was Tues. I told her I had a migraine. I didn’t feel like leaving the house today.

I need to return my library books on Monday. And pick up my meds. I ended up shaving my head. I think I look cool with a shaved head. I like it. My cousin doesn’t. He wanted me to have a whiffle but I don’t like them because my hair grows back all spikey afterwards. I don’t know how to give myself a whiffle anyways. I didn’t do a good job shaving under my chin. I used the electric razor and now I have razor burn. Fuck. I hate it.

I had ice cream for dinner along with pupusas. I wanted something different for supper and I haven’t had them in so long. I had leftovers but I didn’t feel like eating it. Maybe tomorrow. OSU won today. They are 9-0 right now which is so damn good. I think they are #1 in college football. My cousin invited me over to his house for the Xichigan game. It’s the weekend of Turkey day so I might go as I am home alone. I better not be stuck with the dog all weekend. I will be pissed.

For the want of sleep

Last night I went to bed early, like before 8pm I think. I woke up around 11 and it took me forever to sleep. I read my textbook for an hour. I took some Ativan and then was just restless. I kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable or stay still. My legs kept wanting to move. I couldn’t decide if I was hot or cold. My feet got hot and I was uncomfortable. It was a horrible night.

I slept most of the morning. When I did get up to have coffee, the kitchen was full of piss and shit so I went back upstairs because I couldn’t stand the smell. I told my niece’s ex to clean it up. When I got up a couple of hours later, the kitchen was clean and he was gone. The puppy was sleeping. She didn’t want too much pets. She hardly moved. I felt bad. I let her be and made my coffee.

The Supreme Court sided with the felon so I can’t get my passport with my gender markers on it. I don’t know if I ever will. A woman from Kentucky who has had four marriages wants to break up the same sex marriage law. She is an evil woman. I am feeling so distressed. I didn’t get a phone call from the new counseling center my psychiatrist recommended. It was way out of Boston area. I don’t even know where exactly it is.

My blood pressure was high today. My pcp wrote back and said to call if I had any questions. I am to continue taking the amlodipine until I see the NP Tues. I hope I don’t need blood work again. My special spot it quite bruised. It will be a few weeks before it heals.

I am so tired today. I have so much to do and I don’t want to do anything. I have ten days before my paper is due. I have no inspiration to write. I don’t even know what the fuck I am doing. I am just looking at research articles and thinking yeah that will be nice but where it will go, I don’t know. I feel really depressed and like a nobody. Like who would care if I died. I don’t matter. I am just useless.