Category: depression

Ugh Econ is hard

I read chapter 3 and was totally confused by it. Nothing made sense. I took the quiz anyway and failed. The stupid graph tools didn’t work and I had no idea what I was doing anyway. Now I got to read chapt 6 and then take the test. I think this class is going to be a pass/fail.

I woke up early and decided to go back to sleep which was a mistake. I was tired and didn’t want to get out of bed but I did. I went to Starbucks and had my latte. Then as a treat, I ordered my snickers latte before I left. I had a total of eight shots of espresso so I am wired right now. I am going to read some psych. I will finish Econ tomorrow. I can’t read anymore of the confusing stuff. It’s hurting my brain.

I didn’t want to deal with puppy potty stuff today but unfortunately, she peed under the kitchen table and I had to clean it up. I can’t stand the smell of her pee. I think I am allergic to it as I sneeze all the time when I smell it. Weird. I don’t know what I am going to have for dinner. I might make a burger but I really want a salad. I have been feeling kind of dizzy today but I think it’s because I am dehydrated. I sweated so much yesterday. I also have been retaining urine. I drank a lot last night and didn’t go to the bathroom until this morning. It was more than 12 hours since I last voided. I had a huge latte and half a latte so far and a huge glass of water and have not voided yet. I am so thirsty though so I think I just need fluids. Today was wicked hot but I dressed appropriately. The sun felt good. I think I tanned a bit.

The new therapy place sent me intake forms. It took forever for me to figure out how to sign because if a field wasn’t filled out, you can’t sign the document. I fucking hate that shit. But I figured it out. Now I just got to wait for an appt, which hopefully will be next week. I stressed I wanted psychodynamic therapy for depression. I hope there is a therapist that still does this.

I am feeling nauseous right now so I took a Zofran. I haven’t eaten anything since like 1. I still don’t know if I am going to have a salad or a burger or both. Last night I was pretty hungry but only stopped at eating a burger and a donut. My stomach has been okay the past few days. I had my shot of the weight loss drug today so I hope my body is adjusting to the new dose. I don’t feel anything other than the nausea and being super tired. But I think my being tired is because I was out the last three days in a row. My foot is yelling at me. My pcp put me on naprosen. I need to eat something to take it as it can upset my stomach. I don’t need an upset stomach. My pcp said I am doing well weight wise on the drug as according to my med record I lost six pounds. It’s really been more than that as I was heavier when I was in the psych unit.

I need to read my psych tonight. Game will be playing but I am not optimistic about them winning. They seemed to have lost their mojo and the bullpen has been terrible. I don’t think we will make it to the playoffs but we are still in the race. Haven’t been eliminated yet. Probably in a week as there are only like 10 games left. Hard to believe Sept is almost over. I am so sad.

Something missing

I woke up well before my alarm went off but I didn’t want to get up. I just laid down. My sister had already left so I knew it was after 8. I never checked my phone to see what time it was. Then my med alarm went off and I had to get up because my DMH worker was to call me at 1030. I wanted at least one cup of coffee in me. I went downstairs and there were two piles of poop and some pee. One pile of poop and pee were on a puppy pad and the other was on the kitchen floor. Great. I cleaned that up and then made my coffee.

At 1045, I hadn’t received a phone call so texted my worker. She never responded. It wasn’t like her but maybe she got busy and couldn’t call. I laid down with the puppy until it was time for me to get dressed for my pcp’s appt. I thought it was cool out so decided to wear sweatpants. Turns out the temps got up to the 70s so it was quite warm. I was overdressed and I was sweating. I just had a pumpkin donut with my one cup of coffee. I was thinking about going to Starbucks either before or after my appt. I never went.

My pcp gave me some options for the pain I have been feeling. I will give it a try. After my appt, my DMH worker called and we talked for a bit. I walked to the train station. I was tired but I wasn’t out of breath. I still had to go to the Square to pick up the new meds and go to the library for the books I ordered for my Econ class. There were four books. I am glad I brought my backpack. I was drinking water I brought. I was so hot. I couldn’t wait to get home and into shorts and no shirt.

The bus driver missed my stop so I had to go uphill to my house instead of downhill. I was exhausted by the time I was halfway to my house. I had to stop to rest before reaching my house. When I got to my house, I sat on the porch for a bit. I wanted to lean back but the chair was hot from the sun. I rested a bit before going up. I had bought a Gatorade at the pharmacy, one of the new hydration ones. I figure I would need it as I have been sweating even though I am cooling off in my room. I made a burger in my kitchen and all I did was sweat. The floor was slippery so I had to be careful. We have been using the WetJet on the floor for cleaning up pee and the stuff can be slippery. If I had the energy, I would mop the whole floor with bleach.

I thought about going to Starbucks while I was in the square but it would need more spoons and I was already running low. I should sleep good tonight after all the walking I did today.

Seriously what the fuck I am out of spoons!

My alarm clock went off and I didn’t want to get up. I knew I had to because my cousin was going to take me grocery shopping but it wasn’t until 1230. He called around 1130. I was still sleeping. I was mad. So I got dressed after I took my meds and then called him saying I was ready to go without even making a cup of coffee.

I got to the store and got my things. I didn’t get a half gallon of half and half because I am not drinking as much coffee. I got burgers and some chicken wings. They had pumpkin donuts and I had to get them. I also got some salad kits. They were on sale for two for six I think. Might have it tonight.

I came home and ate the wings after I put everything away. The puppy was so happy to see me. It made me feel good. I still had energy so I decided to go to the square and read my Econ stuff. On the bus I usually order my Starbucks. It was closed. Fuck. I could have went to the library but I needed coffee. So I went to get my meds and then I came home pissed off. I wasted spoons going there.

I came home and had my coffee and a donut. The puppy was happy to see me again. She is in her crate now. I don’t know why she goes in there. But she is obviously feeling better than yesterday. Now I got to read in my room with construction noise. I need to take a shower and brush my teeth. I also got to try and remember to put deodorant on. I am seeing my pcp tomorrow and I don’t want to stink. They called to confirm the appt.

I still need to give myself my T shot. It’s T day. I don’t remember which side I am supposed to jab so I am picking my left. I got my meds at the pharmacy and a water because I was so damn thirsty. It’s warm today. I just took my shirt off because it’s soaked. I am sweating so much. I am going to have to drink a lot of water today.

Trying to get into a groove

I was up half the night with stomach and foot issues. I finally took something for my stomach at 6am as I couldn’t take the burning anymore. I wanted to work on psych but the new assignments weren’t going to come in till 9. I tried to go back to sleep but really couldn’t. I wanted a coffee but wasn’t sure how my stomach would react. A couple of hours later, my stomach settled and it stayed settled. I had some lunch. It was too late by the time I got up for me to think about going out. I just wasn’t feeling like it.

After I had my coffee and something to eat, I went upstairs to check the psych stuff. There are 10 things this week I need to do and a quiz and a test in Econ. I listened to lectures today. My psych prof has a soothing voice. I got another lecture to listen to but tomorrow is Econ day. I am trying to alternate days with stuff. I haven’t started a notebook for either class yet. I don’t know if I will. I like referring to the book for stuff.

I made some attempts at looking for a new therapist. My DMH worker is trying to get me to call the other place I was at to see if I can see someone where she works. Out of the offhand, I finally bit the bullet and try the local place I’ve been avoiding. It’s only because the turnover rate for therapists is high and I don’t want to run into seeing someone for a year and have to change therapists again and again. I know you need the “right fit” for therapy but I think I am not going to find someone. I thought this new therapist would work out but she pissed me off when she started doing a cheer to get me out of my depressed state. WTF is that! I hope I can see someone soon as my depression is bad at the moment.

Tomorrow I need to do some grocery shopping. Just a small one. I want to get burgers or a steak and some salad. They also have an open buffet of food so I think I am going to get some chicken wings for lunch. I am tired from doing nothing today. It’s pathetic. But then I have been up since 6am and it’s after 830pm now so. Sox game is still playing so I want to stay up till it ends. Damn relief pitcher gave up two runs so they are down a run. I am not happy right now.