Category: depression

3 cups of coffee kind of day

I woke up early.  I have no idea what time because I didn’t dare look at the time. I had to pee. Then my sister did and I was kind of up by then with no hope of falling back to sleep. I got up when everyone left for work. I had my first cup of coffee and then another. I make some boiled eggs. I gave one to the puppy. She loved it.

I then went up to my room and played my game for a bit debating on getting my bloodwork done. It was wicked cold out so I knew I would freeze waiting for the bus. Instead I got out of breath and my back flared up. I need to go out more. I came home by cab because I didn’t feel like taking the T home. I also had to pee and had too many layers to use a public restroom.

I am so tired. I had some pancakes for lunch. My family is going to a new restaurant tonight. Looking at the menu, I already know what I want. I just hope the BLT comes with fries. I didn’t check that. I really would rather be home reading and snoring into the new year. The time between Christmas and New Years day sucks. It’s like a dead end period or something. I am going to take a nap before my sisters get home from work. I still have my jeans on because I am too lazy to change. There is a chance if I change, I might not change again.

I need to go food shopping. I am down to the bare essentials. I got tuna and mac and cheese mix left. I want soup. Also want cookies. I have become a cookie monster again because of all the cookies I have been exposed to. My niece made these awesome protein oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and they were so yummy. I called them healthy because they had protein in them.

Tomorrow I am just going to stay in bed. But I got to go to the grocery store, fuck. That screws up that plan. I am trying not to crash but I think I might. I will check to see if my lab results are back in an hour or so. I wanted to take the puppy for a walk but she hid under the bed when I grabbed the leash. She is so weird.

Fiercely overheated room

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. I didn’t end up falling asleep until 4am. Then I had weird dreams that gave me headaches. I woke up around 9 to pee and then I took my meds. I set my alarm for 1130 so I could make some coffee before my therapy appt. That was the plan at least. I didn’t end up getting out of bed when the alarm went off. I did get up when my phone was blowing up with messages. My sisters were decided what to do for New Year’s Eve. We will be going to some restaurant.

I showered today. Then while I was resting in my underwear, I had a bowel accident. I had to wash myself off and my underwear too. That was fun. Now I got to be careful when I fart.

I haven’t eaten anything today. I had two cups of coffee after therapy. I am not really hungry. I have been drinking a lot of fluid though. I sent off my BP readings to my pcp’s office. It’s been a week since I have been at the 75 mg dose of my blood pressure med. My diastolic is still in the 90s. I go for bloodwork this week.

I am glad my DMH worker texted me today because I forgot I am meeting her tomorrow. If the weather is somewhat warm, I might walk to the station. Otherwise, I will take the bus. My grade is finally in. I got an A- and my GPA is now 2.53. I went over the audit while I was waiting for my therapist and I still have 10 fricken classes to take. I have 3 for my requirements and then almost 7 for electives. This feel like a never ending game or something.

Phone is still blowing up. My nephew can’t eat Asian food so now we are going around the table again. Ugh. Now they are talking about playing games. I don’t want to play no games. I’d rather sit in a bookstore, looking at books. More like drooling over them as I can’t afford them. I am tired today. I want to just read my books until I fall asleep. I am playing my game. I am so addicted to it. It’s fun.

Not the only lonely one

I am listening to Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs. I couldn’t decide which album to play so played both. I am not up to listening Taylor. She has so many good albums it is hard to pick one, though I did create an ERAS playlist so I can listen to those songs. I still haven’t watched the docuseries. I might watch it tonight. Depends on how I feel.

I got up around noon. I had some weird ass dreams that gave me headaches. One had my mother in it and seemed to go on forever. I had a mocha with some pumpkin pie and then I had a cup of hot coffee. I got a stomachache and it was hard to drink the coffee. I haven’t eaten anything since and I am not really hungry but I am making sure I am drinking fluids. It’s hot in my room and I am sweating. I stink so I need to shower.

I was able to clean one corner of my room. I have been meaning to do it for a while and today I finally did it. I had to do it in two tries because my lower back flared up. I brought the stuff to the bins except the trash. I will do that later. I am tired right now. I also did my meds for the week. Friday I did a mistake. I took my morning meds instead of my night meds. I was almost done taking them when I realized my error. I had a double dose of antidepressant so I called the pharmacy. They said to look out for side effects and they told me what to look for. If I experienced them to call my pcp or go to the ED. I was ok. I didn’t experience anything other than some mild jerking in my legs. I took some Ativan so I wouldn’t freak out and be up all night worrying. I slept most of yesterday. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had McDs. It was the only thing I ate yesterday.

Tomorrow grades are due so I will finally get my GPA adjusted. Then I can redo the audit and see what I need to take next. I should be done with most of my requirements. I know I need to take a 400 level psych class. I need to talk to my psych advisor and see what would be best to take. I am getting there. It feels so far away but I am close. The end line is getting there.

I have therapy tomorrow. I am glad. I need to talk about how bad this weekend was. Christmas was bad but it just got worse from there. I need to shower today and am trying to motivate myself. I usually pick out my clothes and that helps. I haven’t done that yet. Also my bitchy sister isn’t home so taking a shower now would be ideal. Tomorrow is supposed to rain so I probably won’t go out unless it is a light rain. I still need to go to the library to get that stupid book I want to read. I need to get my blood done this week so maybe I will go then before I go to the hospital. I have been up for about four hours and I am already tired. I want to nap. That is all I want to do lately but the problem is my chest gets tight the longer I lie down. I just become stiff. Sucks.