Category: depression

There was nothing to do today. I spent all morning in bed and some parts of the afternoon. I feel really depressed. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I’m kind of nervous about it. I don’t know if i will be offered another ketamine treatment.

I played my game but I wasn’t really interested in it. I have been feeling tired most of the day. I am not going to take the new med. It is making me too groggy. It does help with sleep though. My weird dreams are less weird.

Today was such a long day. Seemed like time was crawling. I did my laundry. I didn’t fold it. I’ll probably do that if I can’t sleep.

My first ketamine treatment was yesterday. It did not go well. I became wicked suicidal and could picture myself overdosing. I just wanted to die. The psychiatrist was disappointed it didn’t work the way we were hoping. I still have the IV. I am not sure i will get another treatment or not. I had a long talk with the psychologist after. We worked some stuff out. She wants me to be curious about me. I don’t know what that looks like. She also asked about therapy and I said I don’t know what I want from therapy. I don’t feel like I need it.

This afternoon, I felt suicidal again. I told staff. The nurse gave me some atarax. I watched some MASH to laugh. I am tired. I slept good. I didn’t have a hangover with the new med this morning. I was just tired and didn’t want to get out of bed. Then they came to my room for vitals. Breakfast came so I went to the day room.

There was peer support group today. It was good. I am going to join on in my area. They were in the center of Boston where is hard for me to get to. I can go to either the one where my DMH worker is or the one near me. My social worker said they are still working on a partial program for me but she hasn’t seen me yet. I don’t have an appt with my therapist yet. The blue line is closed all week so I can’t go to my home town unless I take shuttles.

The new med is making me grumpy and cranky as I need to be up in the morning and I am NOT a morning person. Team met with me soon after breakfast arrived. I was not happy. I was trying to sleep.

I had meeting with people all day today. I had a med student interview me with her professor. Then she did a Hamilton depression scale with me. I was so tired I got a headache.

My sister called at lunch time. It was good talking to her. I haven’t spoken to her all week. We just been texting but she was on her break and couldn’t text as she was driving.

During the med student interview, she asked me why I left the reasons to live blank. I said it was because I feel like it is a guilt trip. If I put my nieces and nephew, the pain i will give them should I die just makes me feel guilty.

I got approved for ketamine infusion and will start tomorrow. Fingers crossed I don’t have a bad reaction. The psychiatrist was really worried because I’ve been hearing voices since I was 5 and had psychotic things happen to me. I don’t know what time this will happen.

I need to brush my teeth as I haven’t done it since Tues. I also need a shower but I might have to do laundry as I don’t think I have clean underwear. I need to check. I haven’t read my book since I’ve been here. I’ve been too restless.