Category: depression

Class canceled

Both my classes today were canceled so I didn’t leave the house except for a little walk I took to meet someone and it was for nothing. I came back to my house as I walked up the little hill very out of breath. I had to sit on my porch for a few minutes to catch it before going up the stairs. I have pulmonary tests next week. This is going to be fun because I have to go from one end of the hospital to the other and it is quite a walk. I know there are benches for me to rest before getting to the building I need to go to.

I made an appt yesterday for bottom surgery consult. My referral is in. I was looking at what the procedure entails and it isn’t like what I see on the porn sites. I guess I will have to talk to the surgeon about what I want, which is just a clitoral release so it is more up than down. I don’t want phallo, just meta.

I have done nothing in three days. No reading or school work, barely getting out of bed, barely eating. I am just surviving on coffee and powerade. I just feel really blah. I had therapy yesterday. It was a good session. She wants me to write down what is going on when I have the suicidal thoughts, to be more aware of what is going on. She asked if I had a plan and I didn’t answer and she didn’t press me on it. I really don’t want to talk about my plan with anyone. I’ve been playing around with dates. I might wait until I know if I get financial aid first. I just don’t know when that will be. I was told it was in June but not given a date. I have no idea if I will have to do the SAP thing again. I am just struggling right now just to deal with every day stuff. I need to shower and brush my teeth. I also need to schedule a cleaning of my teeth. I just don’t want to go to the place I was going because they just yell at me and don’t do anything except tell me I need expensive procedures. I need to find another place.

I woke up like three times during the night because I was having dreams of my mother. Each time, I woke up with a headache. I think around 5, I took a migraine pill. When I got up around 11, I still had a headache but it went away. Now it is back again. I just took some Tylenol. My sister has been eating my ibuprofen bottle like it was candy. I need to get more. Part of the reason I didn’t go to the square today was because it was so fucking bright out it was hurting my head.

My niece got a puppy and I am in love. She is so cute and tame. She also gets excited when she sees me which I love. I found her sweet spot to rub. I am not really a dog person but I am becoming one.

Do nothing day

I couldn’t get up this morning. I tried but my body was like fuck it. I missed class again. I wanted to get up around noon but it didn’t happen. I got up around 2 instead. I feel like shit mentally. I had some coffee and some donuts. I don’t feel like eating real food. I still have leftover Chinese food.

I am still waiting for the professor to correct my quiz. I know I did poorly. The concepts are not easy to remember. We are moving to something else this week. I haven’t looked at it yet.

I have therapy tomorrow. I hope I can wake up and get going. Today was a disaster. I feel bad missing class. I am almost up to where I need to be for class in the book. I was reading last night until I fell asleep. I woke up around 2 and then I read until 4. That is probably why I couldn’t get up. I hate this split sessions of sleep.

Shitty night sleeping

I woke up around 2 to pee. I had a difficult time going back to sleep because I had napped before I fell asleep so I was kind of awake. I couldn’t go back to sleep. I kept tossing and turning. I gave up around 230 and started reading my book. I read for an hour and then tried to sleep again and couldn’t. So I just got up. I heard my sister get up and leave the house for work. I was in pain. My chest, shoulder, and ankle/foot were hurting me. I took some pain meds.

I don’t have anything planned today. I just need to read my book. I need to be in the 300s, chapter 17. I am on chapter 12 right now. It is a lot. And it’s not easy reading, subject wise. I have to write up some notes so I can get extra credit for the class. I might do that tomorrow if I leave early.

I made an appt for bottom surgery consult. I asked my pcp for a referral. I am nervous and excited about this next part of transitioning. I want a metoidioplasty. I don’t want phallo. I think I will be happy with meta. And the surgeon is supposed to be really good.

I am so tired. I want to nap but I know it is impossible. I never really sleep during the day. I was surprised I fell asleep when I came home from my cousin’s birthday party. I did my meds and laid down afterwards and it was lights out.

I have a few appts this week. I see my therapist and on Friday I have an eye appt. I think my vision has changed. I won’t be able to afford glasses just yet. Maybe next month but as long as I have the script and the pupillary distance, I might be able to order them online. There is a new company called Pair ware or something like it and you changed the frame with clip ons. I don’t know how much transition or progressive lenses will be. I will check them out after I got my new prescription.

I feel overwhelmed with everything related to school. I want to try and rest for a few minutes before reading again. My head feels so heavy. I have been thinking about my plan for when classes end. I should know sometime in June whether I will be getting financial aid. I don’t know what I will do if I don’t get it. Just makes me sick. If you are not vaccinated against measles, please, please get vaccinated or check your titers. Another kid died in Texas where there is a huge outbreak because no one is vaccinated.