Category: depression

Saturday Blog 15032025

I had a good sleep but I woke up in the middle of the night. I was up for two hours or so. I had to pee and for some reason, my bowels decided to go too. I went back to sleep and woke up to my med alarm. I shut it off but didn’t get up. The next thing I heard was the alarm for my game. I still didn’t get up. I finally decided to get up around 4pm. I was in a mood but I was hungry. I made something to eat. Bitch left me a note and I didn’t do anything. I cleaned up after I ate. Then went to do my Italian homework.

I have until the 23^rd to do it and I am grateful because once again, I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. I went over the videos again and things made sense until I got to the homework and was, ok maybe not.

I feel wicked suicidal. I won’t act on how I feel but I just want to die. I don’t even know why I feel this way as I just woke up like this. Nothing happened. I hate when my mood is so low and thoughts are just dire. I am going to go back to sleep after I write this because I am just so tired.  My country is going to shit and the people “in charge” don’t give a fuck anymore.

Last night I thought I was going to have to go to the ED. I was having some major pain all over my chest. Eventually it settled down and I was able to sleep. It’s bothering me a little bit today.

Sucky day

I went to therapy this morning. My legs were so tired it was hard to walk. I didn’t have coffee because I got up late and needed to catch the bus. I got to Boston and had time to go to Starbucks but went on to the train and was fifteen minutes early for my appointment. I was talking to one of the other clients who liked my sweatshirt. He was okay but a little redundant in what he was talking about.

Therapy went ok. It was the first time talking about my father. I told my therapist I feel like my sister is my father sometimes when she yells for no reason when she comes home and I feel on eggshells when she walks in the door. She triggers me so bad. I try to ignore and relax but it is hard to do. We talked about the blog I was having trouble writing about, which I sent to her in an email. She totally didn’t want to talk about the suicide stuff. Though after I talked about how my sister treats me like my father (but without the physical violence), she understood why I get suicidal. My sister doesn’t believe I have a disability despite having six back surgeries and depression. She thinks I sleep all day because I am in my room. I stay in my room to get away from her or have a rest day. Unfortunately, with my classes being on Tues and Thurs and therapy on Wed, I am out three days in a row and that is a lot for me. I hope I can make it to class tomorrow because next week is spring break. I didn’t read my book and I am behind.

I met with my Italian professor today to go over my quiz. I sort of know what I did wrong but not completely because I couldn’t remember what an adverb is. Anyway, for the last two sections, I basically mixed them up in conjugating them. If I reviewed the material, I probably would have been alright and got a better grade. I know for next time. We didn’t go over last week’s homework or anything. I am going to review the videos again and see if it helps me and if not then send him a message. I did tell him I am having trouble with a tutor. He said to go to the office so I will tomorrow when I am on campus.

After therapy, I went grocery shopping as I needed a few things. I want to make a protein cake so needed some ingredients. I was almost done when my back cramped up on me. I paid for what I had and left. My cousin took me home but there was an accident on the main traffic light so we had to go around and then a utility truck was blocking the street that connects to my street so we had to go around the world. I was just grateful to be sitting. I was resting my back. My pcp finally got back to me about respiratory therapy and she is going to refer me to a functional program at the local rehab hosp. It might take a while as they book pretty far out. She said that if it gets worse to make an appointment. I am going to see how I do tomorrow.