Category: suicide attempt

Just met with my idiot doc. He clarified my pain meds though I am not sure what that means. I am aggravated because he has been pushing me to go to level 2 in privileges but I am not ready. So today I said fuck it. He wants me to escape, it will be on his head.

I still am feeling hopeless about them helping me. My regular case manager is away and won’t be back until Monday. I am still waiting for a call from my therapist. I just want to get out of here. Granted I also want to be six feet under, but that is besides the point. Actually, I don’t want to be six feet under. I want to be cremated.

I feel a little bit better than when I first came in. But it comes and goes. Right now I just want to punch someone in the face. Fresh air break is what they call going out. It will be hard for me with my brace to maneuver the stairs and such. I have been thinking of going to the fitness center just to grab a weight and smash my head. I don’t know why I want to bludgeon myself to death. It’s just a thought that keeps going around and around.

Right now, I am very sleepy and want to take a nap. It’s an hour and a half before the next group. I just want to be a jackass in the group so I can get kicked out. I don’t like the group leader very much. She always has an attitude.

I have created my own cereal while on the new medication. It’s Graham cracker cereal. I love it. I just hope I don’t gain too much weight while I’m here. Because that would suck.

So the case manager that I am working with asked if I take a shower every day. I told her sort of. She said it was a yes or no question, so I said no. She then told me to take one so I can feel better and all I kept thinking about is how many spoons I will lose doing so. I bit the bullet after I talked with my contact person and now I am paying for it. My ankle swelled up and I am in mega pain. I wish I could take two of my pain pills but the order is just for one tab three times a day. I am so frustrated. I know it is going to be a long night.

Meanwhile, my sister read yesterday’s blog. So now she knows I am suicidal. Fuck. Now I just want to go home and fuck the bureaucracy. I am tired of being here anyways. They are not going to help me with my issues. This is just turning into a babysitting visit.  And I am too old to be babysat.

I did write my therapist a long letter about today. I also asked her to call me tomorrow to see what to do about what happens when she is on vacation and I am left to fend for myself, so to speak. My pdoc won’t be back until the 3rd week in Aug.

I have been honest with my treaters since being here. I really thought this hospitalization was going to be different, that I really was going to be helped. But instead, I am just being let down once again.

Suicidal demons have still been rearing their heads while I have been inpatient. In art therapy, I drew the place I want my ashes to be spread. On the other side I drew a giraffe by cause that was the assignment. You had to draw an animal with qualities like you.
I can’t get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. I am totally living, breathing, eating these thoughts. I want very badly to act on them but I am prevented. Most I could do is try to slice my throat but the chance od being rescued is great and I just feel like why bother.

The staff thinks it’s “good” that I am able to go to them when I want to act on my feelings. Tonight I’m working with a dickhead and he has no clue what I am going through. Yet all he can ask is that I can contract for safety. I came close today of losing my “sharps” privs, which include having charging cords. I need my cords so I told him it won’t be worth the while to try and hurt myself with them.

I over ate tonight because I was bored. Talked with my mother and all she cared about is when am I coming home. I didn’t tell her I would be coming home in a box or body bag. She thinks I am here because of medication adjustment.

Things are not getting better. I had a breakdown last night. The attending doc for the weekend asked how suicidal I was and it set me off. I then was a bubbling idiot to my contact person. We talked about the TG stuff and how much that is contributing to my suicidal thoughts.

I think I have been taking too much senna as I have been going multiple times a day. I have loose stool and I hate it. It scares me because I really don’t want to have an accident.

I am glad I got some supportive comments yesterday. It helped to know that people care about me even of they don’t know me.

I still am very suicidal. I feel hopeless about my future here. I still think being in a casket is my better option, though I do want to be cremated. I want my ashes in a specific area that means a lot to me. I might wrote out my will and testament today. I know you are supposed to be clear headed but I am as clear as I can be at this time. I am also going to write a letter to my friend to tell him what to do when I am gone so that my family isn’t burdened too much. I want him to be the one to notify my online friends and my therapist and psychiatrist. I think it will be important and there is no one I trust more to carry these deeds out.

I had some discharge last night. Part of me knows this is probably a hormonal situation the will resolve itself with time but I am tired of fighting all the time. I told my contact person that I am just tired of always fighting the demons. This time I am giving in.

I am really angry that I am still here. I thought they would discharge me by now. I know it has only been a few days but come on. I am thinking of signing what is known as a three day. It gives the clinical team 3 days to determine if I need to stay by court order, I can leave or I can against medical advice. I know the risk is me staying by court order but I don’t care. Maybe If I do, and I am not worrying about them kicking me out prematurely I can get some work done. Its not like I have a job that is in jeopardy if I stay longer than need be. I just feel my back is against the wall and if I don’t do something crazy, I am not going to be helped. I half want this hospitalization to work for me and not be a babysitting experience. But I really don’t think they can make me hopeful. I know that has to come from me and I just am not there yet. I wish my therapist wasn’t going on vacation. I have a feeling I am going to be here the whole two weeks she is gone and I am bores being here already.

To my fellow bloggers, thank you for being there. It means a lot.