midnightdemons7

Saturday Blog 01022025

I’ve been up since 630. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I took my meds around 730 and then got up around 10 to have coffee with my sister. She told me some of the stuff that Musk is doing. I can’t believe that idiot has control in the government. I also find out today or last night that I am basically a non citizen to my government. They no longer recognize TQIA+ people. I am glad the majority of my documents say male. I got to find out if my insurance changed my marker. It was the last thing I needed.

I have been feeling so despondent today. I got a migraine around 2pm and been in headache hell since. I got such pressure above my right eye and through my skull. I haven’t started reading my book because I am not sure I can. I got feedback from the review assignment in Italian. I screwed up the verbs big time as the professor said I should review them extensively. Fuck. I had no idea what he was talking about so I messaged my friend who speaks proper Italian. She gave me this awesome website about verbs. I will review it when my head isn’t hurting me so much.

Yesterday I got a call from Mass Rehab. Because my financial aid is dependent on my academic progress, they won’t help with textbooks or a new laptop. So I am on my own. I am going to try saving some money over the next few months to get a new laptop. Today when I turned it on it made a noise and then the fan made a bigger noise. I had to restart it to stop the noise. I also have been manually putting it to sleep. It has helped.

I made chicken and rice for dinner. I am so full. I managed to shave. I just need to shower. I don’t know if I will do it today or not. I am feeling pretty tired after being up all day. It snowed today so I didn’t go out. The temps are in the 20s so I am sure it is icy out. My room temp has dropped to 65. It’s a little chilly in here.

Infallible

Today was my oldest niece’s birthday. We celebrated her tonight. It was nice. I am full from the good food.

I woke up around 11 and wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave the house or not. When I saw outside was raining, I decided not to leave the house. I had my DMH worker call me. I swear we could talk all day. We talked for an hour and a half but it didn’t seem that long. We had a good talk.

I just found out Luke Combs is coming out with new music and his new song about whisky is hitting me hard. Album hasn’t come out yet. I just got his Fathers and Sons album. I have all his albums. I love his voice.

I submitted my Italian review even though there was one question I left blank. I just didn’t know what to put. I did the dialogue think as best I could. I got to read my book tomorrow. I am too tired. I will start the Italian chapter 6 on Monday.

I have been sneezing since I got up today. I don’t know why. I hate it. I have to look at foods I can eat that won’t aggravate my gallbladder. I took out chicken breast so I can roast it for tomorrow night. I might make some rice with it if I have it.

I felt wicked depressed earlier. Just this deep sadness that hurt. Nothing happened, I just felt that way. I am glad I don’t get horribly suicidal when I feel down. Next week is going to be a mix of rain and snow. I hate that I have to be in it. I made plans for my sister and I to have coffee in the morning when I get up. I like when we just shoot the shit.

Nobody’s listening

Today has been a fucking day. Started before I had coffee. Bitch sister left me a note and it got me so fucking angry. I had to go to class and navigate the campus. I got there an hour early and wished I brought my book. Then I heard about the plane crash with the Army helicopter. Felon is to blame 100%. 67 people dead are on him. I don’t care what anyone says. It is his fault. I am so angry that they are using some kind of policy to cover themselves. Fucking assholes, all of them.

I can’t deal with anymore. Every day is a shitshow. Trans rights are being taken away and no one is stopping it from happening. Now they are trying to overturn same sex marriage in the Supreme Court. I am so fucking angry.

I am so fucking tired. I walked a lot the past two days. My ankle is hurting me. I am having bone pain again. I want to go to bed but it’s too early. I will wake up around midnight or so. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my DMH worker. I don’t know if I am going to go into town or not. It’s also my niece’s birthday. We are going to have some good food. I had to buy some Gatorade today as I couldn’t drink water anymore with my meds. I needed the sugar fix. I went two weeks without it. I don’t know if I will be placing a grocery order. A bill that was supposed to get paid on the 24^th didn’t. I have to call them now and find out why.

I got to find out what foods I can eat that won’t cause me problems. Everything I have eaten this week has caused me pain and bloating. But I refuse to just eat plain chicken and rice. I got to shave and shower tomorrow. I can finally sleep in. My appointment with the DMH is at 2. I like meeting her in the afternoon. We have some good talks. I got to be in touch with Mass Rehab about getting reimbursed for my books and to see if they will buy me a new laptop. My current one I don’t think is going to make it to the end of the semester. It’s having power issues. It still runs okay. I just have a hard time putting it to sleep or hibernating. I’ve just been shutting it down after I use it. It took nearly five minutes for the fan to shut off last night after it shut down.

Classes and therapy

I got up early this morning. I woke up at around 3am and had a difficult time going back to sleep. I snoozed on and off until my sister got up. Then my alarm went off and I waited for my med alarm before getting out of bed. I had one cup of coffee and then I had to leave to catch the bus. It snowed out but wasn’t that cold. I wore my new sneakers as they are waterproof.

I got to therapy in time, with ten minutes to spare. There were people in the waiting room. Seemed like they all knew each other. I gave my copy of Shneidman to my therapist and told her which chapters to read. She bookmarked them. We talked about different things. I told her about my anxiety and she suggested that I try and have at least three affirmations each day. I don’t know if I will do it.  I have a hard time finding something positive about myself on any given day.

My laptop has been running since I thought I shut it off yesterday after I blogged. Something is wrong with the power. It doesn’t seem to be recognizing when the lid is shut. So I will have to shut down my laptop from now on.

I got several emails from my English professor. They sent the syllabus and how the class is structured. There will be three five page papers due over the semester. I finally have the first book to read. I am freaking out because it has to be in MLA format and I have no idea what that is but we can’t use outside sources other than the book so I don’t get it. I am going to be struggling to get five pages done on these books.

I did some Italian work when I got on my laptop. I made some schedule of what I do during the week. Have no idea if I did it right. I got to do some blah blah blah’g on one section. Then make some sentences in another. I wish I had confidence in what I was doing. I had to look up some words. I really think my Italian is going to be easier than English class.

I am tired. I had Chipotle for lunch and my stomach got bloated. Seems everything I eat makes me bloated. I found that there is a Starbucks right at the corner of the blue line so next week when I see my therapist I am going to leave early so I can have a coffee before session.